Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Four Little Band Aids
Everything went well Monday. Thank you for your prayers! And now I have to say, if you or anyone you know requires a hysterectomy, find a doctor who does it robotically! Seriously, this is amazing technology. I had a complete hysterectomy on Monday and all I have to show for it is four little band aids at the waistline. I am home, able to hold Bear, walk stairs, drive (provided I'm not on pain meds) though I am doing all of those sparingly. I do think I will be back to work next week. I feel like I should be shouting this from a mountain top so more women know this is an option. It also costs less than the traditional method so insurance companies should like it too. Thank you again for your prayers! I am feeling good, resting, and ready to start some paperwork!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Making Peace Just In Time to Say Goodbye
Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow: "Oh Lord Almighty, if you will look down upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you." 1 Samuel 10-11
I am going to write about something that is a little uncomfortable for me to talk about. It just seems distasteful and too personal to write publicly about. I am going to try to click on the "publish post" button before I change my mind.
Tomorrow I will join what a group of female coworkers used to call the Uterine Free Club. I am scheduled for a hysterectomy at 7:30 am. I have gone round and round with uterine fibroids for the past 7 years, maybe more. They have been there in the background of day to day life, draining my energy and unfortunately, draining some life. I decided to write about this because fibroids are so very common and we women rarely talk about them. It's just a routine, pretty icky female problem that does not make for polite conversation. It wasn't until my first surgery 5 years ago that I learned that at least 4 women in our immediate family have had hysterectomies because of fibroids. 3 of them were unable to have children because of it. I grew up knowing these women and did not know this!
I should have called it quits on the uterus 5 years ago. But I was 34, Dodd and I had been trying to have children for some time, and we didn't want to give up easily.
As I lay waiting on a hospital bed for an ultrasound tech to confirm what my OBGYN and I suspected but what my heart had not yet accepted, I had a very real encounter with God. It was one of a handful of moments in my life that I felt his presence acutely.
It felt like he was gently yet firmly reminding me that a child was not mine to possess. Overwhelmed by the sense of his presence, I told him that if he decided to give us a child, I would not hold that child tightly. I promised to remember that he was God's first, entrusted to my care for a time. I promised to give him over. That was when I still had hope of conceiving.
The ultrasound showed I had at least 5 large fibroids growing inside and outside of my uterus. My doctor said if I was older and already had children she would recommend a hysterectomy without question. It was hard news to hear and weird to talk about. It felt very serious but the fact was, they were just dumb benign tumors that didn't really do anything besides cause a mess. I did not have cancer or something serious. I told people around us and I was surprised at how many women I knew were totally flip about the subject. "Oh yeah, no big deal. I had them too. Have a hysterectomy, you will be fine." It was a common reaction that eventually became painful to hear. Most comments like that came from women at least 10 years older than I was whose uteruses had already carried and delivered children into their arms. It was quite another thing to digest the news when the organ hadn't yet fulfilled its duty.
We found a surgeon in the area who removes fibroids laparascopically with a very high rate of pregnancy afterwards. He was sure we would conceive within a year of the procedure. 5 years ago this week I had the surgery, recovered well, and we resumed trying.
And trying. and trying.
Hope faded. Those years were barren, and not just reproductively. It felt like nothing came to birth in my work, service, or relationships. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I was walking the desert. It is difficult to pray in faith and to care for others when you feel dry and dead, which only compounds the situation.
Last year, a few weeks after we brought Samuel home, I returned to the OBGYN with the same set of symptoms I presented 5 years ago. She confirmed what we both knew. The fibroids grew back with a vengeance. We've tried to treat them with various medications. I'm too young for menopause which would stop the fibroid growth. The doctor told me that I would require a hysterectomy, it was just a matter of timing. She wanted to make sure I was emotionally ok with it. With the thought of Bear's sweet smile in the back of my mind, I told her honestly that it was fine. At this point, it was just a useless organ to me that had done nothing but cause misery every month for the past 26 years.
But I shouldn't be so hard on the poor uterus. In it's way, and in it's time, it did bring forth a son. And, as Dodd told our social worker at one of our post placement visits, our son is more perfect than if I had physically carried him inside me for 9 months. And perhaps another purpose of this uterus was to powerfully teach me that all that we have and receive is on loan from God. I would have been a possessive mother. Maybe I still am. But after going through this, I entered motherhood prepared to do what all mothers must eventually do, let go of their children.
I am not into numbers and symbols, but realized as I thought about writing this that there is an interesting coincidence in timing around this week.
So, I am at peace with the uterus and ready for its departure. Hysterectomies have come a long way in the past few years. If all goes well, I will be home the day after surgery and back to work in 1 to 2 weeks. My Mom is flying in to help with Bear while I recover and I expect to be back on my feet in a week. I better be, I have a lot of paperwork to do!
Tomorrow I will join what a group of female coworkers used to call the Uterine Free Club. I am scheduled for a hysterectomy at 7:30 am. I have gone round and round with uterine fibroids for the past 7 years, maybe more. They have been there in the background of day to day life, draining my energy and unfortunately, draining some life. I decided to write about this because fibroids are so very common and we women rarely talk about them. It's just a routine, pretty icky female problem that does not make for polite conversation. It wasn't until my first surgery 5 years ago that I learned that at least 4 women in our immediate family have had hysterectomies because of fibroids. 3 of them were unable to have children because of it. I grew up knowing these women and did not know this!
I should have called it quits on the uterus 5 years ago. But I was 34, Dodd and I had been trying to have children for some time, and we didn't want to give up easily.
As I lay waiting on a hospital bed for an ultrasound tech to confirm what my OBGYN and I suspected but what my heart had not yet accepted, I had a very real encounter with God. It was one of a handful of moments in my life that I felt his presence acutely.
It felt like he was gently yet firmly reminding me that a child was not mine to possess. Overwhelmed by the sense of his presence, I told him that if he decided to give us a child, I would not hold that child tightly. I promised to remember that he was God's first, entrusted to my care for a time. I promised to give him over. That was when I still had hope of conceiving.
The ultrasound showed I had at least 5 large fibroids growing inside and outside of my uterus. My doctor said if I was older and already had children she would recommend a hysterectomy without question. It was hard news to hear and weird to talk about. It felt very serious but the fact was, they were just dumb benign tumors that didn't really do anything besides cause a mess. I did not have cancer or something serious. I told people around us and I was surprised at how many women I knew were totally flip about the subject. "Oh yeah, no big deal. I had them too. Have a hysterectomy, you will be fine." It was a common reaction that eventually became painful to hear. Most comments like that came from women at least 10 years older than I was whose uteruses had already carried and delivered children into their arms. It was quite another thing to digest the news when the organ hadn't yet fulfilled its duty.
We found a surgeon in the area who removes fibroids laparascopically with a very high rate of pregnancy afterwards. He was sure we would conceive within a year of the procedure. 5 years ago this week I had the surgery, recovered well, and we resumed trying.
And trying. and trying.
Hope faded. Those years were barren, and not just reproductively. It felt like nothing came to birth in my work, service, or relationships. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I was walking the desert. It is difficult to pray in faith and to care for others when you feel dry and dead, which only compounds the situation.
Last year, a few weeks after we brought Samuel home, I returned to the OBGYN with the same set of symptoms I presented 5 years ago. She confirmed what we both knew. The fibroids grew back with a vengeance. We've tried to treat them with various medications. I'm too young for menopause which would stop the fibroid growth. The doctor told me that I would require a hysterectomy, it was just a matter of timing. She wanted to make sure I was emotionally ok with it. With the thought of Bear's sweet smile in the back of my mind, I told her honestly that it was fine. At this point, it was just a useless organ to me that had done nothing but cause misery every month for the past 26 years.
But I shouldn't be so hard on the poor uterus. In it's way, and in it's time, it did bring forth a son. And, as Dodd told our social worker at one of our post placement visits, our son is more perfect than if I had physically carried him inside me for 9 months. And perhaps another purpose of this uterus was to powerfully teach me that all that we have and receive is on loan from God. I would have been a possessive mother. Maybe I still am. But after going through this, I entered motherhood prepared to do what all mothers must eventually do, let go of their children.
I am not into numbers and symbols, but realized as I thought about writing this that there is an interesting coincidence in timing around this week.
- 5 years ago this week was Surgery 1.
- 1 year ago this week Bear came home.
- Tomorrow is the hysterectomy.
- And this week while I am on medical leave I will complete the application to adopt our second child from Ethiopia! Seems cosmically fitting!
So, I am at peace with the uterus and ready for its departure. Hysterectomies have come a long way in the past few years. If all goes well, I will be home the day after surgery and back to work in 1 to 2 weeks. My Mom is flying in to help with Bear while I recover and I expect to be back on my feet in a week. I better be, I have a lot of paperwork to do!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Christmas Letter 2010
Winter Wrapping
The Ethiopian name Bereket means Gift from God. Adding an "e" to the end of a word in Amharic personalizes it. Samuel's caregivers in Ethiopia called him Berekete. His name rolled off their tongues in a thick, beautiful accent, full of affection. Berekete! "God's gift to me!" they exclaimed as they threw him in the air and covered him with kisses.
CHRISTMAS DAY, 2009. Dodd and I board a plane to Detroit to Amsterdam to Khartoum, Sudan and finally to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. There in Addis, a 5 month old baby boy living in an orphanage has no idea who we are, that we are coming, or that earlier that month an Ethiopian judge declared him our son and changed his name to Bereket Dodd Miller. On December 27, around 4 in the afternoon, he is placed in our arms for the first time. God's gift to me.
NEW YEAR'S DAY, 2010. After 28 hours of travel, 3 tired Millers arrive in Milwaukee. Samuel, who lived in Ethiopia a day earlier, is now home in Hubertus. God's gift to me.
WINTER, 2010. Samuel's personality is irrepressible. He is a gregarious, strong, smart little boy with eyes that sparkle when he smiles which is often. He is clearly here to live life. He and I bond during my 3 month maternity leave, while wisconsin Winter goes through its motions outside. He goes mobile in February, scooting around the house, and goes vertical in March, standing and reaching for new heights. He gets stronger, taller, heavier, healthier. All four of his grandparents as well as his aunt and uncle travel to Wisconsin to meet him. All parties seem generally crazy about one another. God's gift to me.
SPRING, 2010. The Miller Family transitions as I return to work and Samuel begins daycare. Daycare is good for him as it provides the activity, social interaction, and padded floor and walls that a busy boy needs. Daycare is hard for me, but returning to work helps me find a rhythm again that helps our entire family. It seems that each new day brings new abilities, words, or expressions. Teeth appear in his mouth. This boy does not wear out. He is go go go. I catch my chubby 8 month old sitting on the floor wiggling his shoulders to jazzy music. He's got rhythm. God's gift to me.
SUMMER, 2010. We travel from East coast to West coast to Kansas and Oklahoma to celebrate 3 weddings. Two cousins are now married and one dear friend. Samuel gets to travel and meet more of his family, who shower him with love. In July we celebrate his first birthday. While getting ready for the party, he decides it's time to get serious and begins walking. We turn his car seat around. He is now a front facer. He loathes shoes and socks. He spends lots of time outside in the yard with Dada. His eyes now sparkle with smiles and mischief. God's gift to me.
FALL, 2010. Somewhere between summer and fall, Samuel transitions from baby to toddler. Sounds of wild giggles and pounding little feet fill the house. His extreme mobility causes the house to come alive. Not a dusty corner anymore to be found. We frequently find our shoes in the trash or a toothbrush in the sock drawer. In pursuit of more work/life balance, Dodd and I both make professional transitions. We have the same employers, just different responsibilities. In October a Wisconsin judge changes his name to Samuel Bereket Miller and he receives a Wisconsin birth certificate. This will result in US citizenship. Somewhere between summer and fall he also becomes a Daddy's Boy. We say goodbye to our kitty Merl (nicknamed Muh by Samuel). Samuel knows how sad we are and gently rubs his daddy's arm to comfort him. God's gift to me.
DECEMBER, 2010. We shake our heads. How can it be that a year has passed since he came home? There is life and love again in our home. Gifts don't seem necessary. It feels a little like we've been unwrapping gifts all year.
Thank you for your patience with us this year. We send this to you because we're thinking of you this Christmas with warm thoughts and smiles. Gifts of peach and joy to you friends!
The Ethiopian name Bereket means Gift from God. Adding an "e" to the end of a word in Amharic personalizes it. Samuel's caregivers in Ethiopia called him Berekete. His name rolled off their tongues in a thick, beautiful accent, full of affection. Berekete! "God's gift to me!" they exclaimed as they threw him in the air and covered him with kisses.
CHRISTMAS DAY, 2009. Dodd and I board a plane to Detroit to Amsterdam to Khartoum, Sudan and finally to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. There in Addis, a 5 month old baby boy living in an orphanage has no idea who we are, that we are coming, or that earlier that month an Ethiopian judge declared him our son and changed his name to Bereket Dodd Miller. On December 27, around 4 in the afternoon, he is placed in our arms for the first time. God's gift to me.
NEW YEAR'S DAY, 2010. After 28 hours of travel, 3 tired Millers arrive in Milwaukee. Samuel, who lived in Ethiopia a day earlier, is now home in Hubertus. God's gift to me.
WINTER, 2010. Samuel's personality is irrepressible. He is a gregarious, strong, smart little boy with eyes that sparkle when he smiles which is often. He is clearly here to live life. He and I bond during my 3 month maternity leave, while wisconsin Winter goes through its motions outside. He goes mobile in February, scooting around the house, and goes vertical in March, standing and reaching for new heights. He gets stronger, taller, heavier, healthier. All four of his grandparents as well as his aunt and uncle travel to Wisconsin to meet him. All parties seem generally crazy about one another. God's gift to me.
SPRING, 2010. The Miller Family transitions as I return to work and Samuel begins daycare. Daycare is good for him as it provides the activity, social interaction, and padded floor and walls that a busy boy needs. Daycare is hard for me, but returning to work helps me find a rhythm again that helps our entire family. It seems that each new day brings new abilities, words, or expressions. Teeth appear in his mouth. This boy does not wear out. He is go go go. I catch my chubby 8 month old sitting on the floor wiggling his shoulders to jazzy music. He's got rhythm. God's gift to me.
SUMMER, 2010. We travel from East coast to West coast to Kansas and Oklahoma to celebrate 3 weddings. Two cousins are now married and one dear friend. Samuel gets to travel and meet more of his family, who shower him with love. In July we celebrate his first birthday. While getting ready for the party, he decides it's time to get serious and begins walking. We turn his car seat around. He is now a front facer. He loathes shoes and socks. He spends lots of time outside in the yard with Dada. His eyes now sparkle with smiles and mischief. God's gift to me.
FALL, 2010. Somewhere between summer and fall, Samuel transitions from baby to toddler. Sounds of wild giggles and pounding little feet fill the house. His extreme mobility causes the house to come alive. Not a dusty corner anymore to be found. We frequently find our shoes in the trash or a toothbrush in the sock drawer. In pursuit of more work/life balance, Dodd and I both make professional transitions. We have the same employers, just different responsibilities. In October a Wisconsin judge changes his name to Samuel Bereket Miller and he receives a Wisconsin birth certificate. This will result in US citizenship. Somewhere between summer and fall he also becomes a Daddy's Boy. We say goodbye to our kitty Merl (nicknamed Muh by Samuel). Samuel knows how sad we are and gently rubs his daddy's arm to comfort him. God's gift to me.
DECEMBER, 2010. We shake our heads. How can it be that a year has passed since he came home? There is life and love again in our home. Gifts don't seem necessary. It feels a little like we've been unwrapping gifts all year.
Thank you for your patience with us this year. We send this to you because we're thinking of you this Christmas with warm thoughts and smiles. Gifts of peach and joy to you friends!
Friday, December 31, 2010
It's Been One Year!!
A year ago this week Bear was placed in our arms for the first time. I will let the video below do the talking.
We love you more than we can say kiddo.
To celebrate, we had the honor of spending the evening at an Ethiopian restaurant with our friends and travel buddies the Andersens. There are so many significant memories packed into December 27, 2009 and almost all of them include the Andersens. They took the video above. As you might gather from the video, they had already met their two gorgeous twin girls and still managed to play photographer and videographer for us. It was truly awesome to spend gotcha day with them and a little bit surreal to be together again with our children on this side of the world.
Who are the three Ethiopians looking at? :)
It doesn't get any sweeter than this!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Holy Night
There is a reverance about Christmas Eve. What this night represents frequently causes me to suck in my breath and cry. The night before the world changed. God was about to enter this planet as flesh and blood. Impossible to fully comprehend.
Christmas Eve 2009 was our last night in the house as a family of two. Molly called it Ethiopia Eve. We were packing, preparing, praying. The next day we were leaving for Ethiopia.
Tonight, with Ethiopia Eve heavy on my mind, I wait in anticipation of my God's entrance as a vulnerable baby. My awe runs deeper tonight, my head bows lower, holding this child He's given us in my arms.
Holy night indeed.
.............
O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
Christmas Eve 2009 was our last night in the house as a family of two. Molly called it Ethiopia Eve. We were packing, preparing, praying. The next day we were leaving for Ethiopia.
Tonight, with Ethiopia Eve heavy on my mind, I wait in anticipation of my God's entrance as a vulnerable baby. My awe runs deeper tonight, my head bows lower, holding this child He's given us in my arms.
Holy night indeed.
.............
O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Firsts
So much going on around the Miller house. I am having a hard time getting the details of our lives recorded so we can remember this busy, happy time. With the holidays here, together we are experiencing lots of Firsts.
Some friends gave us the cute little sled below before Bear came home. Again, this California girl with idealistic thoughts of Midwest winters thought he would have a blast walking with me through the neighborhood in a SLED! Well, I would say he tolerated it. He was strangely quiet on the ride and just held on to the sides of the sled with no expression like, what IS all this? I think he was confused that the yard, the house, the neighborhood looked so different blanketed in white. I am not sure he knew where he was.
Here's one of the Firsts. Oshkosh overalls! I fully admit these are for my enjoyment and not Bear's. Probably since I was a teenager, I have regarded Oshkosh as one of the guilty pleasures in having a boy. Moms of girls look forward to the Christmas and Easter dresses, moms of boys (or so I thought) look forward to Oshkosh. I bought these for him a long time ago, and all Kohl's had left was size 18 mos. They seemed huge at the time and I half thought he would never be big enough to wear them. Well he is big enough, and he's wearing them. I took a picture to commemorate the donning of the overall. Here is his chubby belly in Oshkosh.
.
.
We got our first snow of the season in Wisconsin yesterday. I was happy it came on a Saturday. This is the first time Bear can play in the snow and I couldn't wait to introduce him to it. Although I've lived in Wisconsin for many years, I did not grow up in the Midwest. I am originally a California girl, where playing in the snow at Christmas seemed dreamy. So this was my first time prepping a child for snow play. It took at least 30 minutes to get both of us dressed to go out. I was exhausted before we made it out the door. And I realized I didn't really know what I was doing. Hmm, do you put sweats on under the snowpants? How do you keep snow out of the boots? How do you keep mittens on a 16 month old? How do you keep up with the runny nose? Maybe he will be too hot? Maybe he will be too cold? Does it matter?
I thought our little tornado would love playing in the snow, but as it turned out, he was quite unsure of it all. He ran from the garage straight into the snow, fell, rubbed his hands in it, then turned around and ran straight back into the garage. First bite of snow below.
I am confident there's more snow in his future so he will eventually have fun with this.
Here is my handsome boy figuring it all out.
More Firsts to come!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Fall Photos
I am posting a few cute kid fall photos before too much more time gets away from me and he looks nothing like this anymore. Enjoy!
Visit to the CSA farm
Goofball
Sinister phone call face.
LittleLeopard.
Trick or Treat with school friends.
Trick or treat with mama at work.
Mr. Handsome
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