Doing much better!

Hey, thank you blog friends and Mom for the encouragement and advice from the last post. Man, it helped to know I wasn't alone. We are doing a lot better. You guys were right, it was just a mood. It lasted a day and the next day he was himself.
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I've had some time to reflect on last Tueday. Here are some of my takeaways from meltdown day. Apologize for another list. Just a method that helps me organize my thoughts.

1. My frustration was irrational. But it was still frustrating!

When he was going on an on, I could feel myself getting mad. Anger is usually a response to being wronged in some way by someone or some thing. So being mad at him does not make a lot of sense. It's not like he was unhappy on purpose. I kept saying to myself, he's just a baby who's going through a lot. This isn't willful. This isn't personal. It's a byproduct of something going on in his brain, in his body, in his heart. The kicker was, I thought all these things but couldn't turn off the frustration! Which made me even more frustrated. This is something I am going to have to learn to deal with better. I think #4 below will help.

2. It's easy to personalize his discontent.
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I allowed the words in his report from Hannah's Hope to repeat in my head in an endless loop. "Happy baby, content most of the time." Focusing on, "Happy baby." "Happy baby." "Content." "Content." Which made me feel HORRIBLE that in 1 month's time I was unraveling all his happiness. I would also think to myself that his special mothers would know how to handle this better. When Dodd came home and found me in tears claiming that I was a bad mother, he was quick to snap me out of it. "Beck, it's just him. It's not you. He will have days. Have you given him any Children's Tylenol?" (No, I hadn't.) Glad I have that man.

3. Adoption bonding adds some pressure.

Being very focused on attachment and bonding with an adopted child can add some pressure. It's easy to second guess and fear a bad day is rooted in something deeper and more serious. It makes consoling him feel like the most important job in the world. If you can't console, it can feel like failure with dire consequences. I suppose we are going to get better at balance here as we continue to grow in understanding and trusting one another. I will get better at recognizing moods versus behaviors linked to other things. Theresa, I think you were right that he is feeling more comfortable with us and therefore more comfortable letting loose!
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4. It's so easy to get sucked in. Support is critical.

I was feeling pretty cooped up and isolated at the beginning of the week. Which made it easier for me to get stuck in the thought processes that led to #1 and #2. There were some things to do at work on Wednesday. Just spending a few hours taking care of things outside of the house and talking with coworkers helped me clear my head and feel like myself again. I can see how important it is to have a strong network of friends and family to get a grip.

5. His smiles keep me going.

I get a good hour or two of motivation from every smile he flashes at me. Which helps get through the fussy, crying, unhappy bouts. There were no smiles on Tuesday. I did not realize how dependent I am on that grin.

6. I picked up Hyland's teething tablets. Great recommendation!

I am happy to report that Bear seems to have forgiven me for less than patient, calm, loving mother behavior on Tuesday. Here are some pictures of him helping me do laundry this past week. Thank you again everyone. I really appreciate your support and practical wisdom.

Not Our Best Day

I feel like a bad mom. I was not able to help my son be content today no matter how hard I tried. He was fussy and generally agitated for no apparent reason. His agitation grew more intense as the day wore on. He was insanely high energy. Go go go. Kick kick kick. Move move MOVE.

He would not sleep. Just one brief nap all day. A couple times he was so tired he started to doze, I was hopeful, and then Boing! Big brown eyes popped open wide as he would wake himself up and start fussing again.

I sang to him, napped with him (attempted), tickled him, held him, fed him, read to him, walked him in the Ergo, walked him through the neighborhood in the stroller, gave him a bath and let him kick water all over the bathroom for an hour, let him jump around in the jumpy seat for 2 hours, swung him, made animal sounds for him, made Ethiopian sounds for him (explain later), threw him in the air, flew him like an airplane, danced with him, sat by the crib and held his hand through the slats as I pleaded with him to go to sleep. Even Baby Bach and the television did not soothe for long. And the tele is usually a sure thing, my last resort.

A few things that made him happy today. Diaper changes. He loves to kick his feet in his poop. Then suck on poop laced toes. Then squirm his way off the changing pad as I try to hold his legs and clean him up. Smearing the poop as he goes. Yes THAT made him happy. He thought that was really funny. He is also happy when I am loud and physical. The louder my sounds (he particularly likes it when mom barks like a dog or oinks like a pig in his face) and the more physical my play, the happier he was. But once my attention was diverted and I was not joining in his constant state of motion, he was unhappy again.

You should see how I look. I can hardly stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I've been in the same clothes for a couple days. I probably should have brushed my hair or my teeth before Dodd came home tonight. Ah, we were doing so WELL. We were having lovely, sublime days. He was so easy to please. A little regression today. I feel like we are back in Ethiopia. He kicked my butt. This is why all you people say parenting is a lot of work? Is my just turned six month old working me? Is this normal??

One Last Walk to Hannah's Hope

The walk from The Union Hotel to what is now the Old Hannah's Hope. It's a rite of passage. We walked the walk like hundreds of families who went before us. This was possibly the most surreal four minutes of our lives. For years we dreamed of a son. For the past year we knew he would live at Hannah's Hope in Ethiopia. For the past three months we knew his name and who he is. In a sense he lived in our hearts and our minds our entire lives. To think that at the end of this walk he would also live in our arms, in our house, and in our hotel room! Years of thoughts, dreams, and prayers were about to become a real little boy. It's was hard to comprehend at that moment.

At least 275 children have called this house their home for a period of their lives. This however was the last walk to Hannah's Hope in this location. There will be no more pilgrimages along this road. Thanks to the hard work of so many people at AGCI, Hannah's Hope has moved to a beautiful, spacious new location and families are creating new memories along a new road.

Here is the walk in its entirety.

A few observations on bonding and cocooning

We are cocooning. A term AGCI uses for the period of transition when a family focuses intensely inward, limiting the number of faces and experiences a newly adopted child has outside of the home and his nuclear family. The purpose of cocooning is to ease the child's transition anxiety and make up for lost bonding and attachment time, reinforcing one primary theme; Bear can trust us to meet his needs. Dodd and I are not going anywhere.

A couple interesting notes based on our experiences the past few weeks.

1. They were right about limiting trips out.

In one of our transition calls, the education coordinator said to think of Bear's world at Hannah's Hope as black and white. And then think of the world he is experiencing here with us now as technicolor. That is the level of additional information he is taking in every day. If it comes all at once it can be overwhelming.

I saw this play out when I took Bear to Babies R Us. It was our first trip out to a store. Technically, AGCI would advise against this. They recommend all shopping be done by a parent without the child. But it was going to be a quick trip and I thought it might be good for him to get out. He did enjoy it. I carried him in the Ergo and he did not make a peep, just looked all around, dazzled by the colors, lights and people.

About 15 minutes into the excursion, he leaned his head back in the Ergo and stared up at me with a mildly puzzled expression. The look he gave me said, "Lady, who are you again?" He was trying to figure out how to fit me into all the information he was taking in at that moment.

It made me realize how delicate the attachment process is. When we returned home that day, he was totally overstimulated. He was over the top active and needed non stop action and entertainment. It took two quiet days at home to get back to something like normal.

2. Attachment takes time and can be reversed quickly.

Bear was bonding well with both of us. Then Dodd went back to work last Monday. It was interesting that by Wednesday, Bear had very little interest in Dodd when he came home from work. It was all about Mom. It took just 2 days for that attachment to wane. Made us realize the importance of Daddy time. Dodd will need to be deliberate about feeding, changing diapers, and playing in the evenings and on the weekends to keep fostering the attachment with his son.

3. Strict cocooning may not work for your child.

While we are practicing cocooning, we are modifying it slightly for our particular child. Bear saw two different pediatricians in two days who both commented independently about how social he is. He loves to listen to conversations on the phone or just between people. He watches people intently and lights up when others are around. So the flip side of cocooning is that he gets bored with just me. I cannot provide the amount of stimulation he needs. So we did a playdate last Friday. He seemed to really enjoy himself and so did I. Having the company of other Ethiopian moms (thanks Traci and Jamie!) was refreshing. When we returned home, he was not amped up in the way he was after the baby store. He was happy and content. We had great play time together that afternoon and he slept well.

I cleared the playdate with Mindy at AGCI. She said as long as I was still the only one to hold Bear and I was still interacting with him during the playdate, it should be fine. She acknowledged that given his personality this might be a level of interaction he needs.

4. They were right again. There is nothing like sleeping together for bonding.

We were working hard to get Bear to sleep in his crib at least half the night every night. Then I asked myself, why? His favorite place to sleep is in my arms in the recliner in his room. As it turns out, I sleep pretty well with him in the recliner. So we are going with it for now. The time together is sweet and invaluable. He knows exactly how to snuggle now for both of us to be comfortable and he sleeps almost the whole night through. He is not going to want to do this forever. We'll keep doing it until it no longer makes sense or creates an issue with his sleep or mine. We'll keep mixing it up between the crib and the recliner, but I am not going to stress out during the times he prefers the recliner (yet!)

Bear's Auntie MB sent him the cutest little fuzzy bear outfit that he felt pretty handsome in. Here are some photos. Here's to bonding!

First Glimpse of Addis

Because it was dark when we arrived in Addis Saturday night, we could not visually take in the city as we were driven to the hotel in the AGCI vans. I woke up Sunday morning when the Muslim call to prayer started around 4am. It was raining and hazy. This is what I saw when I looked out the window of the hotel room.

Still in an American mindset, I assumed at first the tin roofed structures were storage sheds but quickly figured out each one housed a family. I noticed that the people coming out were disappearing around the back wall. I was startled realizing most of these shelters have no running water, including toilets. I should note we stayed at a nice hotel in Addis. What we were surrounded by was that much more startling because of the contrast with where we were staying.

I felt awkward as the little boy and the woman at the end spotted me videoing them. I stopped the camera and waved. With one hand in his pocket, the boy waved back and kept waving for several minutes.

I cannot figure out how to turn my blog playlist off, so please just click on pause at the bottom of the blog to turn off the music. Then turn your volume up while you watch the video and you will hear the chanting in the background. The loudness of the chanting ebbed and flowed through the morning. It was faint when this video was taken. Because the chanting is broadcast throughout the city, it becomes part of the fabric of morning routines and rituals and set the tone for a first glimpse of the city.

Transitions

Transitions can be hard, especially when what you are leaving is good. The transition has been hard on Bear for several reasons. He's been through a change in time zone (9 hours), change in schedule, change in formula (read constipation), change in sights sounds and smells, change in caregivers. On top of that he's been sick with a lot of congestion. Add to that his new parents generally don't know what they're doing and the poor baby has a lot to deal with.

That first week in Addis was a little rough for mom and dad too. Trying to parent a child you just met from a hotel room in a country you do not know is challenging. At least 4 times I forgot we couldn't drink water from the faucet and started to make a bottle or brush my teeth. Everything was new to us. From the bottles we brought that were still in their packages, to remembering to turn on a boiler for hot water. (Thank goodness we had hot water!) When he was distraught in the middle of the night, we did our best from our 12 x 12 room.

I will not easily forget the first night with Bear on gotcha day. He had been so happy through the entire meeting, fell asleep in my arms on the walk back to the hotel, and then fell asleep easily once at the hotel. But about 3 hours into it he woke up and did not know where he was. He was so scared. Our little observer looked all over the hotel with sheer panic in his eyes. Kept looking in all directions. Screamed. For hours. It was heartbreaking. We soothed as best we could, but that night nothing was going to do unless it was a special mother and he was at Hannah's Hope. That night was tough. He eventually fell asleep, but I don't know if we slept at all. The next few nights were also tough. We eventually figured out the feeding, burping, changing, playing, sleeping routine that worked. We also figured out how he liked to be held. Those first few days, he would only sleep if one of us was carrying him. We couldn't just hold him and sit or lay on the bed. We had to be standing. We were already sleep poor ourselves and our arms and backs were aching. There were times I thought one of us might fall asleep walking with him in our arms.

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On the 3rd day we found out by accident that Bear loves Ethiopian dancing. It was nighttime and I was giving Dodd a break. I took Bear downstairs to the hotel dining room where the staff had Ethiopian TV on while they cleaned up. He was mezmerized by the dancing and the music. The hotel receptionist suggested I try turning the TV on for him in our room. Why didn't I think of that? That was just the comforting distraction he needed. Having the TV on calmed him and engaged him. One night at 2am Dodd even attempted Ethiopian dancing in our room to calm him. Bear thought it was pretty funny. For the rest of our time in Addis, we left the TV on 24/7. One channel is all we got. So we saw A LOT of Ethiopian television.

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I was relieved to hear some of the seasoned parents in our travel group say that gotcha week was hard. A couple said harder than any of their childbirths. Thank goodness for our travel group. The shared stories, wisdom, concern and sleep deprivation was life giving that week!

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The first few days at home were a blur of sleeping, some eating, changing diapers and sleeping. We lost track of day and night. His needs pretty much dictated our schedule. After 2 or 3 days of that it was time to get on a schedule. The attempt at a schedule seems to be helping but we are still transitioning him from Ethiopian time to Central time. The first week home he went between extreme emotions of happy and sad. Like he wasn't sure what he wanted or what he felt. It's encouraging to see his anxiety ease each day and see him enjoying himself and being the happy little boy that he is. His cold is getting better too.

This boy has been clearly loved and has learned how to love. We are grateful for this. Like on our knees grateful. I cannot say enough about how well cared for he was at Hannah's Hope, and how loved he was by the special mothers. The difficult times I've described are mostly related to sleep. During awake times, he is so much fun. Happy and tuned into everything around him. And so affectionate. He could not have learned this from anyone but his special mothers.

Just so you don't think the transition has been a total drag, I will conclude with some photos of Bear test driving all his new gear. The hard stuff is balanced by lots of giggles, smiles, and sometimes screams of delight. He makes it worth the hard stuff.

Message from Bear

Our Boy

We are getting closer to normal sleep patterns around here which enables me to think and do a little blogging. I will write in detail about the trip soon, but thought I would first start by introducing you to the little boy we have come to know the past week and a half.

At five months, Samuel Bereket is smart, strong, attentive, affectionate, and funny. There's something about him that feels like an old soul, but he's also lively. He likes Ethiopian dancing, my hair, eating, eating my hair, and being where the action is. Thanks to his special mothers, he's also pretty crazy about kisses.

Feedings can be dreamy. With one hand he wraps those tiny perfect fingers around my ring finger on the bottle. We lock eyes. With the other hand he twirls his fingers in my hair. Jeesh, I'm smitten. It's heaven, really.

The transition has been hard and I will write about that too. Until then, here are some Gotcha Day photos because I know everyone just wants to see him!

Ah, Home

We are home and we brought a little Ethiopian with us!

Besides 30 hours of travel, security concerns, colds, and diarreah, we are all fine. And Samuel Bereket who was in Ethiopia yesterday, is here, sleeping in the Ergo on his daddy, while Daddy opens mail.

God is good. Our boy is wonderful.

There is so much to process mentally and emotionally. I will post about the trip with lots of pictures as soon as we are unpacked.

Until then, let me share the photo of Bear we've been studying since September.

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Happy New Year!

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