Adoption Decisions

There are important choices to make in adoption. With a biological child, you choose to have one (tho sometimes it's a surprise), and then you wait to see what you get. In adoption, you must decide, to some degree, what you want. Boy, girl, infant, toddler, older, black, white, yellow, other, special needs, which special needs, medically healthy, if not, which medical issues. THEN you wait to see what you get. It is somewhat strange to specify your child in this way.

Once we decided to adopt, we decided to adopt internationally. No question there. We were drawn to Ethiopia for several reasons but primarily because of its compassion and concern for its kids. No question there either. After that though, the choices haven't been as clear. Each of us has this ever present soft spot in our hearts for kids who are older and/or harder to place. The problem is, in Dodd's words, we just don't know if we are going to be any good at this parenting thing. Older children (who will almost always have special needs of some sort) require strong parenting from the moment they arrive home. There is no time to ramp up. In our first homestudy meeting with Deb, our social worker, she explained the challenges involved with adopting children at various developmental stages. Because we have never had kids, and are relatively inexperienced with kids in general, she counseled us to start with an infant for the first adoption. Her comment, "I wouldn't want you to miss out on the rocking chair moments," struck me. The bond established in those early months of infancy build the foundation for the ongoing parent child relationship. The memories of those moments help get you through the terrible twos, and all the challenging moments thereafter. Not only will those moments be important for our child, I have a feeling I will need them to build confidence in my own ability to be a parent. So we decided to adopt infants. Our homestudy will approve us for siblings 0-12 months in case there are twins born when we get to the top of the list. If not, we will bring home just one bambino. We have been feeling good about this decision.

But then...

Dodd saw 3 Ethiopian siblings on the waiting children list two weeks ago. Two boys and a girl. The oldest is 9, the youngest is 3. They are beautiful and their situation moved us. He fell in love first, and I followed soon after. We talked and talked, could we do this? We have the room, we have the desire. We even feel a sense of calling. But is that enough? Are we equipped for this job, and can we really provide for the tremendous emotional needs these children will have. We talked through logistics. Who would take the 9 year old to school, who would pick him up, where would they go during the summer, how would we foster attachment with 3 children at the same time in different developmental stages with different needs, how would we teach them English, what would we feed them, how would we fit everyone in the car, how would we help them grieve the loss of their biological parents, of their native country? After conversations with the international agency, our homestudy social worker, Dodd's parents (experienced adoptive parents of 3), with one another, we have had to admit we aren't realistically ready to parent these beautiful little people. They will need a family with strong, experienced parents who have the ability to homeschool and spend intensive time (read at least one full time parent) for several years helping the kids with complex issues on a variety of levels. If we are honest with ourselves, it will require more than we know we have at this point in time.

So now I ask myself, where does this desire to adopt these 3 come from? Is it an honest calling from my creator, or is it an impulse rooted in pride? Rescue is a term we were first introduced to at an adoption conference. Adoptive parents are cautioned to beware of the desire to "rescue" a child. This is a concern because for many, rescue implies superiority. The rescuer being superior to the rescuee. You can add into that issues of race (White saving Black) and culture ("superior" American way of life saving from "inferior" way of life.)These undercurrents can put a heavy burden on adopted kids and create confusing emotions as they grow up.

Here are some of the things I've learned and thought about. Who will be more priviledged in this adoption, our kids, or us? The truth is, adopting a child is an incredible priviledge. For as much as kids need us, we also need them. Love is about interdependence. And we have a lot of love we are ready to share. I believe it is the love that motivates us. But we have to face the fact that love isn't enough, it's just the beginning. This is where responsibility comes in. Once we know we have the skills and the dispositions required to responsibly parent children with more complicated needs, we may go for it.

We continue to think about these 3 kids a lot. I have decided that if I am not meant to be their mom, I can still pray for them and for the right person to be their mom. And I can pray for their biological mom who made the most difficult decision of all. This I can do for these 3. Good night sweet kids. A new day of possibilities tomorrow.