Preparing for the next big transition

It's strange that we've been home long enough that it's time for me to go back to work. But we have, and back to work I must go. Our little MilFam is really good right now. It feels like we've always been a family. The last thing Dodd and I want to do is risk losing what we hold so dearly in our hands at the moment, Bear's trust.

As significant as the past 3 months have been to all 3 of us, and as secure as Bear seems to feel with us, 3 months is still less time than Bear spent at Hannah's Hope. I know he felt safe there and never dreamed his home, his routine, his friends, and his special mothers who loved him would all go away. We are doing some things to prepare him for daycare, so that he can ease into the change and not feel his world has been turned upside down again.

Sleep

Sleep became difficult the past month. Until last week, he and I were still sleeping together in the recliner in his room. When we first came home this was the best way for all of us to get good sleep and I am so glad it worked out this way. It did what we hoped it would for attachment. He and I get eachother. We came to know one another's sounds, bodies, and movements so well, we could anticipate and adjust to one another subconsciously in our sleep. And this crossed over to the daytime. I would not trade the past 3 months with my son in my arms for anything, even sleep! And I LOVE sleep.

But Bear's once a night feeding at 2am turned into waking up every 1.5 to 2 hours for a bottle and snuggling with mom. And with that little body growing so rapidly, tossing and turning in her arms to get comfortable in between wake up times. It was not good sleep for either of us. He was increasingly dependent on me to fall asleep, and less able to sleep on his own, even during the day. Sleep deprivation was bringing out the ugly in both of us, especially me.

So last week we started the Sleep Sense program. Monday was the first night he did not sleep in my arms in almost 3 months. My arms felt empty. Wow, I missed him. There was quite a bit of protest from Bear. A good hour and half when he first went to sleep. And another hour an a half when he woke up in the middle of the night. But Dodd and I took turns staying with him, consoling him, and attempting to teach him ways to soothe himself to sleep. Eventually he did fall asleep and slept well.

The next night, much to our surprise, he slept the whole night in the crib. A full 12 hours! He woke up a few times, checked to make sure I was there and everything was ok, then fell back asleep. No crying, no protest. And he's been sleeping like a champ since. I am surprised how well a few little techniques worked. I feel better about Bear's ability to cope with the big changes ahead knowing we are all rested.

One note about sleeping. We decided to try this because it seems like he is attaching and adapting well. We haven't seen indications of grief at night. We might not feel as good about doing this if either of these weren't the case. We are still being careful that he knows we are not abandoning him at night. Other than being a little groggy after the first night, we haven't noticed any real changes in his behavior during the day and no signs of withdrawing.

Daycare

I work for a company that provides good on site daycare. This gives us some peace about the care Bear will receive during the day. Whenever necessary, I can be with him in 2 minutes. With the proximity, I will continue to bottle feed him twice a day.

To prepare him for what's ahead, we went to daycare together for a few days last week. We spent almost 2 hours each time in the Walrus room, playing together while talking with his teachers and playing with the other babies in the room. The next step is to let him be there without me for increasing intervals of time. This week, I will drop him off for 1 hour on Monday, 2 hours on Wednesday, and 3 hours on Friday.

Like I've mentioned before, Bear is a social kid. (Lucky him, he got two introverts for parents.) He's so smart and active, he's going to thrive in daycare. It will be like what he was used to at HH. If anything, we need to watch that he doesn't like daycare TOO much. The AGCI family education coordinator said it's a good sign if he is upset when I leave, and he's happy to see me at the end of the day. Not horrible, inconsolable upset, but there should be some indication that he misses me and his home. She said if these things aren't happening it may be an indication he isn't ready for the change. We will watch for indiscriminate attachment. Bear attaching easily with whomever he comes into contact with.

Holding

We are adding at least two new caregivers to his world, his teachers. They will be the first people to hold, feed, and change him since he's been home. So we will continue to limit the number of other people who hold him, especially during this transition time. For our friends who want to squeeze this adorable kid so much, I know this is hard to understand. Please hang with a little while longer! He is resilient and he's probably going to be just fine, but we would rather play this one safe.

I'm looking forward to this change. It will be good for Bear to go through it and see that Dodd and I don't go away. It will be so nice when we're at a point when there's been more stability in his life than change. When he's been with us longer than he was at an orphanage. And when his brain is hopefully no longer wired for loss. Then he's going to realize he's stuck with us and we will have new issues to deal with. :)