How long to sing this song

I've thought about updating this blog many times the last few months. Each time I think about writing, I struggle with what to say.  Delays and setbacks in Haiti. Silence. Ethiopia finally, definitively closed. We lost a child we fell in love with.

Holding pattern. Holding pattern. Holding pattern. Good news is coming some day. The "right now" however is monotonous.

Each day we plod along, I hear him ask:

Do you trust me?

Yes, Lord I do.

Do you trust me?

Yes, Lord I trust you. 

Do you love me?

I love you Lord.

Lately, I've heard a new question:

Why don't you talk to me?

I don't know why I am not talking to him. I can't find my words. I fear I am squandering this latest season of waiting. Daily I'm tempted to zone out, numb out, check out. I'm a little bit stuck.

I know this place. I know so well that a time of intense waiting is fertile ground. That something can flourish here that can't be produced in any other soil.

I don't want this detour to go wasted.

He wants me to cry out to him. Something about the crying out that lets him in to do his work. Why can't I cry out?

I am reading, hoping it will spark something in this soggy soil. I found my words in a book, The Land Between, Psalm 40 and in two U2 songs. Thanks Bono.

My prayer found in these songs.

Lord I am tired.

My spirit is tired and thin. 

Take this soul and make it sing.

I've been patient. Plodded and endured. I will need more patience and endurance. 

I waited patiently for the Lord, he inclined and heard my cry.

I'm trying not to withdraw emotionally and silently slink into depression. 

Take this mouth, give it a kiss.

I am trying not to fall into a pattern of complaint. 

Take these hands, don't make a fist.

Help me find my words. Revive me in the monotony. 

I will sing a new song.

I grieve the loss of time. It hurts. Why do I doubt your timing in this gift of another child. 

Yahweh, Yahweh, always pain before a child is born.

You've proven before your promise is true. You've been good to me. 

He set my feet upon a rock, made my footsteps firm. Many will see, many will fear.

I have hope because you've given me hope.

Take this hope, teach me what to carry.

I choose joy, even with a breaking heart. 

Take this heart and let it break.

Let it break.

Yahweh, Yahweh, still I'm waiting for the dawn.

The sun is coming up on the ocean.

This love is like a drop in the ocean.

How long to sing this song.

How long to sing this song.