We just completed the last of 6 classes!
The Journey of Attachment
Medical Issues in International Adoption
Conspicuous Families
Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family Conversations
Finding the Missing Pieces: Helping Adopted Children Cope with Grief and Loss
Adopting the Older Child
In addition to the classes above, we also completed the Eyes Wide Open Workbook a couple weeks ago.
We've spent every Saturday but 2 in the past 3 months working on our education. The material is excellent. I am sure we will refer back to it often.
I just posted a link in the sidebar to a Nova special on the medical condition called Fistula. It's provides a glimpse into life in Ethiopia for women. Beautifully filmed and poignantly told, it ends with hope in an Ethiopian orphanage. I will warn you, it's heart wrenching.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Home Study Done...
...and sent to AGCI on Wednesday!!
Paperwork glitch with dossier. Notary commission expired in Feb. on the letters from the sheriff. Need to redo. Ugh.
Just 3 more classes to go!
Paperwork glitch with dossier. Notary commission expired in Feb. on the letters from the sheriff. Need to redo. Ugh.
Just 3 more classes to go!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
More Paperwork
No postings lately because we are STILL plugging away at our dossier and parental education. Education wise, we've finished the workbook (about 50 hours) and have completed 2 of 6 online classes (about 4 of 12 hours). Dossier wise, we have all required documents back and notarized with the exceptions of two reference letters going directly to Ethiopia (which we learned also need to be notarized), and a copy of our power of attorney, which is being state certified in Madison. I should have all the paperwork sent off to AGCI (the international agency) this week. Deb, our local social worker should be finishing up our homestudy this week. And, if we buckle down, we should finish up our education this week or next. After AGCI reviews ALL of this, we will go on the waiting list.
We learned this week that the wait for boys is very short at the moment because of the imbalance in families wanting to adopt boys versus girls. There are over 30 families waiting for girls and just 3 familes waiting for boys. (This is common in adoption, both domestic and international.) We will take a boy, we will take a boy!! This means our referral may be as fast as a month after our paperwork is accepted. There is still waiting after that (probably 5-6 months) before we can travel to pick him (or them) up.
Our dossier also requires photos of us, together and individually, photos of the front and back of the house, photos of the baby's room, the dining room, the kitchen, the family room. It made me realize that the baby's room might not look all that inviting to whomever in Ethiopia will be placing our child. Right now it is empty except for the wicker giraffe I bought and a teddy bear from Dodd's parents. I decided to take advantage of the recession sale on window coverings (65% + 10% +15% off!) at JCPenney and buy wood blinds for the baby's room. A small step, but kind of a big one too.
We learned this week that the wait for boys is very short at the moment because of the imbalance in families wanting to adopt boys versus girls. There are over 30 families waiting for girls and just 3 familes waiting for boys. (This is common in adoption, both domestic and international.) We will take a boy, we will take a boy!! This means our referral may be as fast as a month after our paperwork is accepted. There is still waiting after that (probably 5-6 months) before we can travel to pick him (or them) up.
Our dossier also requires photos of us, together and individually, photos of the front and back of the house, photos of the baby's room, the dining room, the kitchen, the family room. It made me realize that the baby's room might not look all that inviting to whomever in Ethiopia will be placing our child. Right now it is empty except for the wicker giraffe I bought and a teddy bear from Dodd's parents. I decided to take advantage of the recession sale on window coverings (65% + 10% +15% off!) at JCPenney and buy wood blinds for the baby's room. A small step, but kind of a big one too.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Adoption Decisions
There are important choices to make in adoption. With a biological child, you choose to have one (tho sometimes it's a surprise), and then you wait to see what you get. In adoption, you must decide, to some degree, what you want. Boy, girl, infant, toddler, older, black, white, yellow, other, special needs, which special needs, medically healthy, if not, which medical issues. THEN you wait to see what you get. It is somewhat strange to specify your child in this way.
Once we decided to adopt, we decided to adopt internationally. No question there. We were drawn to Ethiopia for several reasons but primarily because of its compassion and concern for its kids. No question there either. After that though, the choices haven't been as clear. Each of us has this ever present soft spot in our hearts for kids who are older and/or harder to place. The problem is, in Dodd's words, we just don't know if we are going to be any good at this parenting thing. Older children (who will almost always have special needs of some sort) require strong parenting from the moment they arrive home. There is no time to ramp up. In our first homestudy meeting with Deb, our social worker, she explained the challenges involved with adopting children at various developmental stages. Because we have never had kids, and are relatively inexperienced with kids in general, she counseled us to start with an infant for the first adoption. Her comment, "I wouldn't want you to miss out on the rocking chair moments," struck me. The bond established in those early months of infancy build the foundation for the ongoing parent child relationship. The memories of those moments help get you through the terrible twos, and all the challenging moments thereafter. Not only will those moments be important for our child, I have a feeling I will need them to build confidence in my own ability to be a parent. So we decided to adopt infants. Our homestudy will approve us for siblings 0-12 months in case there are twins born when we get to the top of the list. If not, we will bring home just one bambino. We have been feeling good about this decision.
But then...
Dodd saw 3 Ethiopian siblings on the waiting children list two weeks ago. Two boys and a girl. The oldest is 9, the youngest is 3. They are beautiful and their situation moved us. He fell in love first, and I followed soon after. We talked and talked, could we do this? We have the room, we have the desire. We even feel a sense of calling. But is that enough? Are we equipped for this job, and can we really provide for the tremendous emotional needs these children will have. We talked through logistics. Who would take the 9 year old to school, who would pick him up, where would they go during the summer, how would we foster attachment with 3 children at the same time in different developmental stages with different needs, how would we teach them English, what would we feed them, how would we fit everyone in the car, how would we help them grieve the loss of their biological parents, of their native country? After conversations with the international agency, our homestudy social worker, Dodd's parents (experienced adoptive parents of 3), with one another, we have had to admit we aren't realistically ready to parent these beautiful little people. They will need a family with strong, experienced parents who have the ability to homeschool and spend intensive time (read at least one full time parent) for several years helping the kids with complex issues on a variety of levels. If we are honest with ourselves, it will require more than we know we have at this point in time.
So now I ask myself, where does this desire to adopt these 3 come from? Is it an honest calling from my creator, or is it an impulse rooted in pride? Rescue is a term we were first introduced to at an adoption conference. Adoptive parents are cautioned to beware of the desire to "rescue" a child. This is a concern because for many, rescue implies superiority. The rescuer being superior to the rescuee. You can add into that issues of race (White saving Black) and culture ("superior" American way of life saving from "inferior" way of life.)These undercurrents can put a heavy burden on adopted kids and create confusing emotions as they grow up.
Here are some of the things I've learned and thought about. Who will be more priviledged in this adoption, our kids, or us? The truth is, adopting a child is an incredible priviledge. For as much as kids need us, we also need them. Love is about interdependence. And we have a lot of love we are ready to share. I believe it is the love that motivates us. But we have to face the fact that love isn't enough, it's just the beginning. This is where responsibility comes in. Once we know we have the skills and the dispositions required to responsibly parent children with more complicated needs, we may go for it.
We continue to think about these 3 kids a lot. I have decided that if I am not meant to be their mom, I can still pray for them and for the right person to be their mom. And I can pray for their biological mom who made the most difficult decision of all. This I can do for these 3. Good night sweet kids. A new day of possibilities tomorrow.
Once we decided to adopt, we decided to adopt internationally. No question there. We were drawn to Ethiopia for several reasons but primarily because of its compassion and concern for its kids. No question there either. After that though, the choices haven't been as clear. Each of us has this ever present soft spot in our hearts for kids who are older and/or harder to place. The problem is, in Dodd's words, we just don't know if we are going to be any good at this parenting thing. Older children (who will almost always have special needs of some sort) require strong parenting from the moment they arrive home. There is no time to ramp up. In our first homestudy meeting with Deb, our social worker, she explained the challenges involved with adopting children at various developmental stages. Because we have never had kids, and are relatively inexperienced with kids in general, she counseled us to start with an infant for the first adoption. Her comment, "I wouldn't want you to miss out on the rocking chair moments," struck me. The bond established in those early months of infancy build the foundation for the ongoing parent child relationship. The memories of those moments help get you through the terrible twos, and all the challenging moments thereafter. Not only will those moments be important for our child, I have a feeling I will need them to build confidence in my own ability to be a parent. So we decided to adopt infants. Our homestudy will approve us for siblings 0-12 months in case there are twins born when we get to the top of the list. If not, we will bring home just one bambino. We have been feeling good about this decision.
But then...
Dodd saw 3 Ethiopian siblings on the waiting children list two weeks ago. Two boys and a girl. The oldest is 9, the youngest is 3. They are beautiful and their situation moved us. He fell in love first, and I followed soon after. We talked and talked, could we do this? We have the room, we have the desire. We even feel a sense of calling. But is that enough? Are we equipped for this job, and can we really provide for the tremendous emotional needs these children will have. We talked through logistics. Who would take the 9 year old to school, who would pick him up, where would they go during the summer, how would we foster attachment with 3 children at the same time in different developmental stages with different needs, how would we teach them English, what would we feed them, how would we fit everyone in the car, how would we help them grieve the loss of their biological parents, of their native country? After conversations with the international agency, our homestudy social worker, Dodd's parents (experienced adoptive parents of 3), with one another, we have had to admit we aren't realistically ready to parent these beautiful little people. They will need a family with strong, experienced parents who have the ability to homeschool and spend intensive time (read at least one full time parent) for several years helping the kids with complex issues on a variety of levels. If we are honest with ourselves, it will require more than we know we have at this point in time.
So now I ask myself, where does this desire to adopt these 3 come from? Is it an honest calling from my creator, or is it an impulse rooted in pride? Rescue is a term we were first introduced to at an adoption conference. Adoptive parents are cautioned to beware of the desire to "rescue" a child. This is a concern because for many, rescue implies superiority. The rescuer being superior to the rescuee. You can add into that issues of race (White saving Black) and culture ("superior" American way of life saving from "inferior" way of life.)These undercurrents can put a heavy burden on adopted kids and create confusing emotions as they grow up.
Here are some of the things I've learned and thought about. Who will be more priviledged in this adoption, our kids, or us? The truth is, adopting a child is an incredible priviledge. For as much as kids need us, we also need them. Love is about interdependence. And we have a lot of love we are ready to share. I believe it is the love that motivates us. But we have to face the fact that love isn't enough, it's just the beginning. This is where responsibility comes in. Once we know we have the skills and the dispositions required to responsibly parent children with more complicated needs, we may go for it.
We continue to think about these 3 kids a lot. I have decided that if I am not meant to be their mom, I can still pray for them and for the right person to be their mom. And I can pray for their biological mom who made the most difficult decision of all. This I can do for these 3. Good night sweet kids. A new day of possibilities tomorrow.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Ethiopia Baby's Daily Schedule
I thought I would share an excerpt of an email from our social worker with you. This was part of her response to some of my questions about feeding and food for infants at the orphanage in Ethiopia. Our baby will be very well fed!! And so clean! We are going to have to radically change our lifestyle to keep up with this precedent. :)
Daily Schedule:
6-6:30 AM: Wakes up, this is followed by a bottle
6:30 AM: Bath
8 AM: Bottle
8--9 AM: Nap
9 -11:40 AM: Outside playing/laying in the sun, massage, etc.
11:40 AM: The babies go inside for a nap and bottles in the living room/nursery
4:30 PM: Upstairs for a bath until 5:30 PM and pajamas.
6:30 PM: Bottle after bath and bedtime
10-11 PM: Wake up and bottle, diaper change, etc.
Wakes up 3-4 times per night for diaper changes and for bottles.
6.) How many infants are fed at a time? Only one with each Special Mother at a time.
As we've learned about orphanages and institutional homes for kids, that last sentence is unbelievable. What a blessing to be working with this organization! Thank you Frasiers!
Daily Schedule:
6-6:30 AM: Wakes up, this is followed by a bottle
6:30 AM: Bath
8 AM: Bottle
8--9 AM: Nap
9 -11:40 AM: Outside playing/laying in the sun, massage, etc.
11:40 AM: The babies go inside for a nap and bottles in the living room/nursery
4:30 PM: Upstairs for a bath until 5:30 PM and pajamas.
6:30 PM: Bottle after bath and bedtime
10-11 PM: Wake up and bottle, diaper change, etc.
Wakes up 3-4 times per night for diaper changes and for bottles.
6.) How many infants are fed at a time? Only one with each Special Mother at a time.
As we've learned about orphanages and institutional homes for kids, that last sentence is unbelievable. What a blessing to be working with this organization! Thank you Frasiers!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Homework
Dodd and I live in a corporate world. This we realized after the first conference call with social worker, Julie, from the international agency this week. She is so supportive, so transparent, so NICE, it's almost a shock to our slightly calloused business sensibilities! She and the agency continue to exceed our expectations. We have regularly scheduled calls with our assigned social workers all the way until we bring our kids home as well as after we're home. They are totally on top of the process.
While we work on gathering legal documents for the dossier, we also started some of our homework. The international agency and the state of Wisconsin require about 25 hours of education for adoptive parents. This weekend we had to draw our child and imagine what he or she will be like. We had to imagine counting his fingers and toes. Such indulgences I have not allowed myself until now. The activities made a child seem real, and forced us to face deep seeded assumptions and the possible difficulties ahead. We had to acknowledge how we, our child, and our child's biological parents have experienced grief and loss. We had to identify the sounds, smells, and foods our child may be accustomed to, and be aware of how foreign the sounds, smells, and food in our house will be to her. You know us, we dig learning and education so this is right up our alley and our Saturday afternoon of homework flew by. We had some good good conversations. It was so good, we wish all parents, bio or adoptive, got to do this!
While we work on gathering legal documents for the dossier, we also started some of our homework. The international agency and the state of Wisconsin require about 25 hours of education for adoptive parents. This weekend we had to draw our child and imagine what he or she will be like. We had to imagine counting his fingers and toes. Such indulgences I have not allowed myself until now. The activities made a child seem real, and forced us to face deep seeded assumptions and the possible difficulties ahead. We had to acknowledge how we, our child, and our child's biological parents have experienced grief and loss. We had to identify the sounds, smells, and foods our child may be accustomed to, and be aware of how foreign the sounds, smells, and food in our house will be to her. You know us, we dig learning and education so this is right up our alley and our Saturday afternoon of homework flew by. We had some good good conversations. It was so good, we wish all parents, bio or adoptive, got to do this!
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