Along the road

The evening of Brother's referral, after gazing so long on the many photos of him we received, this song from my college days snuck back into my head and played itself many times. Feeling a sense of retrospect along this road and sharing with those who are walking it with me.


Joy at the start
Fear in the journey
Joy in the coming home
A part of the heart gets lost in the learning
Somewhere along the road.

Along the road your path may wander
A pilgrim's faith may fail
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Darkness obscures the trail. 

Cursing the quest
Courting disaster
Measureless nights forbode
Moments of rest
Glimpses of laughter
Are treasured along the road.

Along the road your steps may stumble
Your thoughts may start to stray
But through it all a heart held humble
Levels and lights the way.

Joy at the start
Fear in the journey
Joy in the coming home
A part of the heart gets lost in the learning
Somewhere along the road.

-Dan Fogelberg

It's a boy!

We are overjoyed to share some news.

In May, our caseworker Kate asked if we would be open to expanding our age parameters. When we submitted our dossier in 2013, we were approved to adopt a child, or siblings, aged 0-2 years. That was 2 years ago. Our Bear is now 2 years older, and the children at Rivers of Hope waiting for families are now 2 years older too.

After a lot of discussion, we did a home study addendum and immigration update to change parameters to 0-5 years. We felt much peace in the change. Then, apparently behind the scenes in Haiti, our file and the file of a sweet little person were being discussed and moving across desks at IBESR.

On Monday, Kate emailed us a copy of a letter she received from the Haitian government. The letter was in French so they only words I could read were names. Our names and that of a 3-1/2 little boy in Haiti. The names told us all we needed to know. We have been matched!

We have a son!

We've been told this little man has a gentle, sweet spirit, and a deep, big infectious laugh that makes his head fall back and his eyes squeeze tight. We have lots of photos and let me say, his quiet confident smile, his gentle kind eyes….he is breath taking. Each new detail we learn affirms that he is the one we have been waiting for. Even his name feels right. A classic Old Testament name that goes so well with Bear's. Each time we say it and think of him we can't help but smile. 

Bear is so happy to be a big brother. We can't wait to watch these boys grow together. We think they are going to be good for one another. This is one of my favorite parts of the story being written. If I had any fear in the waiting, it was usually around the widening age gap between Bear and baby brother/baby sister. The Lord inclined and heard my cry. He has given us boys who are just 2-1/2 years apart. 

Yesterday this quote showed up in my inbox at work. Sometimes God doesn’t tell us His plan because we wouldn’t believe it anyway. --Carlton Pearson

I had to laugh. Dodd and I could not have imagined what it would take to become a family. If we had been told 20 years ago how far, how long, how it would change us. We couldn't have conceived of it all. And here we are, looking at this most precious gift. One we know we don't deserve. This is better than anything we could have written on our own.

Now, I have to stay focused on all that needs to happen between today and the end of the month for us to leave the country to meet him for the first time. There is so little time! Which is so ironic after waiting for so long. 

We can't share his name or any photos of him on public forums so I am thinking of taking the blog private. I want so much to post a photo here so you can see the beautiful little man we are ready to meet.

There is still more waiting ahead as it will be another 6-12 months before he comes home. But for now, just knowing him is enough.

A little news

People often ask if we've heard anything about the adoption and I usually have to say no. However, there was a little news that I thought I would share. When we were in Haiti we sat at this table in the garage at Rivers of Hope with Jonathan. We were interviewed by 2 social workers from Haitian social services. With the help of a translator, we answered questions for over an hour about our motivation for adopting from Haiti and for adopting Jonathan. I didn't expect to be nervous but I was. Fortunately Dodd stepped in and handled the interview well. A couple weeks ago we learned the social workers finished their report approving us to adopt Jonathan. This is really a little step in the process. The big steps are yet to come. But it's something. We are glad to have one little step behind us which means one little step closer to our boy. 

Signs of life in Haiti

The snow is all but melted, the days are getting longer, and there is good news coming from Haiti.

3 AGCI families exited IBESR.

2 more Rivers of Hope families (not with AGCI) exited IBESR.

And a referral for an AGCI family that has known their kids for 3 years. They have waited a crazy long time. Finally, they are in Haiti now for two weeks loving all 3 kiddos! https://themcandrewsclan.wordpress.com

Keep the good news coming! Jeez, we have to be getting close, right? We know there is a family on "the list" ahead of us but don't know if this has any bearing on when referrals will be made or in what order. So we're just hanging on and cheering on these families!

Advice on waiting from a five year old

In the past couple weeks there have been some signs that I might be falling apart a little bit.

Pulled over for expired plates.
Discovered my driver's license also expired.
I had no proof of insurance for the officer. (Lucky I wasn't arrested.)
Bounced 2 checks last month. 
Bear's report card came home. He is doing great in school except….he was tardy 23 times the past term. Bad mom. 
To add insult to injury, a letter showed up at home a few days later telling me the importance of promptness. 
I was reprimanded and fined for being late to day care. 
The refrigerator isn't working. It's been that way for a month. So our food is in the garagerator. 
I am on a grocery shopping strike. Why grocery shop without a refrigerator?
Dinner has come from Taco Bell at least 2 nights a week. Bean burritos.

Thank goodness I have my son to keep me together.

While putting bean burritos on the dinner table I said to Bear, "I'm feeling tired of waiting for baby brother/baby sister to come."

Bear looked at me and said sternly, "Mom, never give up your dream. Baby brother/baby sister has to come. They are coming, I know it."

I told him that I know they are coming too, maybe it's just that I don't want to wait. 

And then the most profound words came from my son, "But Mom, life's not that way." 

ME: "Really. Can you tell me what is life like then Bear?"

"Mom, life's like tooths. You can't lose them all right away. You have to wait. Sometimes they take years, like 6 or 7 or 39 years. You can't one day lose a tooth, next day lose a tooth, next day lose another. You have to wait in between."

 And he kept going….

"Or like school. You want to "gradulate" highschool right away. But you can't be in kindergarten and then done."

Wow was I humbled.

A couple nights later, after an intensely frustrating day at work, I blew up at Bear after he spilled his milk at the dinner table. I felt bad for blowing up and apologized to him, as we both cleaned up. Then, I discovered something Dodd did the day before that I let upset me and I made a harsh comment, even though Dodd wasn't home. 

BEAR: "Mom, that's not appropriate. That's not something you should say to your father."

ME: "You're right Bub, but he's not my father."

BEAR: "Well, it's not something you should say to MY father."

ME: "You're right, you're right. I'm really frustrated and I'm taking it out on you guys. I'm sorry Bub."

BEAR: "Mom, you have to let it out."

I looked at him incredulously. My 5 year old was giving me advice I really needed. In that moment I felt like I could ask him anything and he would understand and guide me.

ME: "How do I do that Bub? How do I let it out?"

BEAR: "Simple. With love." 

And with that, he climbed out of his seat, came over and wrapped his warm little arms around me and gave me a kiss. 

BEAR: "Are you better mama? Is it out?"

I was sobbing now, holding my son for dear life. "Yes Bub, it's coming out in buckets."

BEAR: "Ok, that's good. Don't cry now. I don't like it when you cry."

ME: "Ok, thank you Bubba Joe."

Thank God for my Bear. What ever would I do without him. 

How long to sing this song

I've thought about updating this blog many times the last few months. Each time I think about writing, I struggle with what to say.  Delays and setbacks in Haiti. Silence. Ethiopia finally, definitively closed. We lost a child we fell in love with.

Holding pattern. Holding pattern. Holding pattern. Good news is coming some day. The "right now" however is monotonous.

Each day we plod along, I hear him ask:

Do you trust me?

Yes, Lord I do.

Do you trust me?

Yes, Lord I trust you. 

Do you love me?

I love you Lord.

Lately, I've heard a new question:

Why don't you talk to me?

I don't know why I am not talking to him. I can't find my words. I fear I am squandering this latest season of waiting. Daily I'm tempted to zone out, numb out, check out. I'm a little bit stuck.

I know this place. I know so well that a time of intense waiting is fertile ground. That something can flourish here that can't be produced in any other soil.

I don't want this detour to go wasted.

He wants me to cry out to him. Something about the crying out that lets him in to do his work. Why can't I cry out?

I am reading, hoping it will spark something in this soggy soil. I found my words in a book, The Land Between, Psalm 40 and in two U2 songs. Thanks Bono.

My prayer found in these songs.

Lord I am tired.

My spirit is tired and thin. 

Take this soul and make it sing.

I've been patient. Plodded and endured. I will need more patience and endurance. 

I waited patiently for the Lord, he inclined and heard my cry.

I'm trying not to withdraw emotionally and silently slink into depression. 

Take this mouth, give it a kiss.

I am trying not to fall into a pattern of complaint. 

Take these hands, don't make a fist.

Help me find my words. Revive me in the monotony. 

I will sing a new song.

I grieve the loss of time. It hurts. Why do I doubt your timing in this gift of another child. 

Yahweh, Yahweh, always pain before a child is born.

You've proven before your promise is true. You've been good to me. 

He set my feet upon a rock, made my footsteps firm. Many will see, many will fear.

I have hope because you've given me hope.

Take this hope, teach me what to carry.

I choose joy, even with a breaking heart. 

Take this heart and let it break.

Let it break.

Yahweh, Yahweh, still I'm waiting for the dawn.

The sun is coming up on the ocean.

This love is like a drop in the ocean.

How long to sing this song.

How long to sing this song.

Five years ago today

We got started with this…..

And now we have this…..

                                       

Silly, squirmy, and bandaged (fell off his bike over the weekend) and life has never been sweeter. 

It's a beautiful day!

Happy Referralversary Bubba Joe. What would we do without you.

We love you about everything.