Ready or not! The time between referral and socialization trip

You've been waiting years for your bus to come. The bus stop is looking kind of run down, grass is growing in the cracks in the road because there hasn't been a vehicle down that road in a long time. Then, one dusty day that feels just like the others before it, you look up and see that the yellow school bus you've been waiting for is really a bullet train and it's SCREAMING toward you. Grab your bags and hold on, it's coming and you will be swept up whether you're ready or not!


The time between Brother's referral and leaving for Haiti was crazy. There was about a day and a half of basking in the joy of our new boy. We received dozens of photos, and dozens of documents, all as attachments to dozens of emails. We went through them all, just taking him in. 

But there was no time to linger as much as we wanted to. Kate had to break us out of our spell and crack the whip on us! There really is a lot to do after referral and we had to shift quickly into task mode. With Bear's adoption, we had 3 months between referral and travel to prepare. With Brother's adoption we had 2 weeks. Besides the adoption and travel related things to do, we also had to prepare to be gone at work for 3 weeks, prepare for Bear's care, and duly celebrate his 6th birthday. 

There is another thing that happens after referral that I hadn't realized would also compete for time. Talking with friends and family. We couldn't wait to announce Brother to the world, but I realized there was not enough time to send and receive all the calls and emails we wanted to. So many in our lives have been waiting alongside us, encouraging us along the way, and it was so hard to not be able to call each person to share our joy in the moment. We talked with our families, I dashed off some emails and posted the news on Facebook. It was rushed. We were flying by the seat of our pants!

If you are waiting for a referral from Haiti and you think it could come in the next 1-3 months, I recommend doing what you can to prepare now. Don't feel like you are jumping ahead or jinxing yourself! Getting your head around the details now and having your checklists ready will help guide you and preserve your sanity when that momentous time finally comes.

Here are some things you can get a head start on:

• Referral Paperwork: Review referral paperwork now. Referral paperwork is intense! You have 1 week to return all documents, and there are some dependencies. Reviewing the documents now will help you know what information needs to be gathered. AGCI families, start discussing the Transition Plan with your spouse. Do some intentional research on bonding and attachment now. The Transition Plan takes time and deserves some thought.

• Notary: Referral paperwork feels like a mini dossier, and all documents must be notarized. Have a notary in mind. I work with a lovely woman who is also an adoptive grandma who loves to notarize for us. I put her on standby a couple months ago. She was ready when we needed her and even offered to come over to the house on the weekend if necessary.

• International Pediatrician: Contact the International Pediatrician now. Talk to them so you know what they will need from you and know their number. You will have 24-48 hours to get their assessment of your child's medical information. If you are an AGCI family, this is a requirement to accept your referral.

• Travel Documents: Review the travel documents now. Figure out where you will stay and what you will need. Ask your caseworker for a travel call now. Kate and I did a travel call about a month before we received Brother's referral. I am so glad I asked for a call even though we had no referral. I had a much better picture of what our 2 weeks would involve, and was mentally preparing both of us for the cultural differences, bucket showers, dress for church, etc.

• Travel Meds: Consult with your doctor or a local clinic about what vaccinations and meds are suggested for travel to Haiti. 

• Watch Airfares: Pretend like you are traveling in 2 weeks and look for tickets accordingly. Figure out the airports, layovers, and itineraries that get you the best price and times. In the 24 hours that passed while I was focused on completing paperwork, our plane tickets went from $900 each to $1,500 each and the only itineraries left required overnight layovers which meant more cost for hotels. After adjusting our return date (we stayed 2 more days in Haiti than fist planned) we were able to get good flight times on Delta for $900 again, but it took a lot of time to figure all of that out.

• Child Care: If you are leaving children at home in someone elses care, prepare your instructions for their care now. Make copies of your insurance information, write a letter that gives the care giver the ability to have your child treated by a doctor or at a hospital, make your master list of contact names and numbers, including the names and numbers of where you will be in Haiti that you will find on the travel documents. Our amazing families came to take care of Bear, which they have done before, so they mostly knew his routine. But there were still special instructions for feeding the cats, caring for the vegetable garden, etc. to prepare.

• For Your Child(ren) at Home: I wrote little love letters and had little presents for Bear to open each day that we were gone. I wrote those letters at 3am the night before we left! I ran out of time to wrap the presents so my mother in law did that for me after we left. In retrospect, I could have taken care of that months in advance. :) 

• Packing List: After your travel call, start a packing list or ask for one from someone who has already been on their socialization trip. The packing list should include not only the usual things you need for yourself when you travel, but also the toys and activities you will need for your child over the 2 weeks, and food you may want to bring from home for you and your child. The toys are harder to prepare in advance of knowing your child, since you might not know their age or their interests. On food…after hearing about a family who had trouble finding food in Haiti, I freaked out a little at the last minute, and decided to bring one entire bin filled with food. It was too much. The breakfasts and dinners we were served at the guest house were plentiful. There were plenty of opportunities to get food for snacking and lunch time at the market once we were in Haiti. ROH families, you will shop at the Caribbean Market and there isn't much you might want from home that you can't find in that store. Including organic, whole foods, vegan, gluten free, etc. It's expensive, but it's easier to buy exactly what you need once you're there.

• Phone/Data Plan: Call your cellular provider now and find out what kind of plans they do or do not have for international travel. Decide if you will use your provider or go with a local option once in Haiti. Find out if you will have WI-FI where you are staying.

• Learn Some Creole: I thought it would be more important to learn Creole when Brother comes home than for the socialization trip. I thought as long as I packed my Simple Creole for Adoptive Families book and CD, we would be fine for the two weeks. Then we were there, Brother was in the kitchen turning on the stove, and I was at a loss about how to communicate. I wish I had practiced a little bit in the months before. Just tuning my ears to how words are pronounced and having a repertoire of 10-15 basic words would have been helpful. Like "Pa touché!" (Don't touch!)  Luckily the 2 other families we traveled with were more prepared and helped us with some of the basics.

Signing referral paperwork while Eileen notarizes

May this post help someone out there get a head start. I hope you will have more time for savoring the first moments of knowing your child and have more time to emotionally prepare to meet him. They are beautiful and dare I say magical moments that deserve to be enjoyed!