What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours?
-Donald Miller
It was Wednesday July 29, 2015, in Thomassin, Haiti, sometime after 6pm. Here's the story of the day we met.
The day before we left for Haiti, I realized there were a few important questions I had neglected to ask Kate. One big one was when would we meet him? She said she wasn't sure but Rachel would probably take us soon after we arrived. Goodness, that meant tomorrow!
I wrote a bit in the last post about the frenetic pace of the two weeks between Brother's referral and leaving for Haiti to meet him. The whirlwind continued right up until the moment we left. Neither of us slept the night before as we moved through the remaining things on the to do lists.
Grandpa and Bear drove us to the airport at 5am. Saying goodbye to Bear was hard. He was strong for us, but I could see in his eyes what he was feeling. There was comfort in knowing he was in the best of hands while we were gone. Here I need to give a shout out to our incredible family. Dodd's parents, my parents, and my sister and brother in law were on standby for about a year, willing to drop everything to travel 2,000 miles and care for Bear so we could go to Haiti for 2 weeks to meet Brother. Knowing Bear was with the people he loves the most was a blessing.
We flew from Milwaukee to Atlanta to Port Au Prince. We slept most of the first flight. It was the first downtime we had in weeks. Still in a daze in Atlanta, we boarded the flight to Port Au Prince. It wasn't until we were in our seats, seat belts buckled, waiting to take off that reality began to sink in.
Dodd turned to me with big eyes and a smile and asked, "Is this really happening?"
I looked at him, and I wasn't sure. Waiting had become our reality the past 5 years. Waiting has a way of making The Wait more real than The What that are you waiting for. Brother still felt fuzzy, distant, out of reach. It was all pretty surreal.
The flight to Port Au Prince went quickly. We spent most of it reading our Simple Creole for Adoptive Families book, listening to excited missions teams chatter about their trips, and watching the ocean from the sky.
As the plane began its descent into Port Au Prince, I experienced something physical unlike anything I've experienced before when traveling. It was as if some great force had reached into my chest cavity and was pulling me down from the inside out. It wasn't a feeling of falling. This was something pulling me toward itself like a gigantic magnet. As the plane came lower and lower the downward pressure in my chest was almost unbearable. When the plane made contact with the tarmac, my heart exploded.
Put me on hallowed ground.
There was a significant shift in that moment of touch down. A cosmic gear engaged. This was right. The one we've been moving toward brought us to him. There was an overwhelming sense that we were exactly, precisely where we were supposed to be.
We had to wait in line in immigration for over an hour and our Midwest bodies were not yet acclimated to the tropical climate. Haiti was hot! Beads of sweat rolled down our backs as we stood in line waiting for passports to be stamped. My little Midwest cardigan and pants looked out of place in the heat surrounded by sun dresses, shorts and sandals. There was a Haitian band playing great music which kept the crowd happy. A sign in the waiting area got me thinking about this country we were in. "Haiti, Soul of the Caribbean."
We expected to be met at the airport by a driver but to our surprise, Rachel herself came to pick us up. Rachel is the director of Rivers of Hope. She has a larger than life persona when all you know of her comes from the stories of others. However, there at the airport she was just a lady waiting for some travelers and she was anxious to get going back home. I wanted to proclaim my admiration for her right there when we met, but she seemed humbly unaware of her rock star status. Little did I know that the admiration I felt at that moment was a fraction of what I would feel in another 2 weeks.
The 1 hour drive out of the city and up the mountain with Rachel was an adventure. After Addis Ababa, driving in Port Au Prince did not shock us, but it is dusty and chaotic. There are no words to describe the roads and traffic. As we drove further up the mountain, the road got windy and steep. Rachel drives the congested, bumpy roads like a charging warrior. She kept asking Dodd if he was ok with her driving and he said YES! He loved it! Actually, we were both quite comfortable with her at the wheel.
She took us to the guest house and introduced us to Willem. He showed us to the condo where we would stay for the next 15 days. It was beautiful. We did not expect such spacious and lovely accommodations. We met the two other families who arrived earlier from Canada. They were with their beautiful children who they had met earlier that day. We had dinner together. The meal prepared for us was sooo good. More on Haitian food to come.
As we were just finishing dinner, Rachel announced she was taking all of us to Rivers of Hope.
There was no time rest or change. This was it.
It was time to meet our son!
My hands began trembling during the very short drive from the guest house to Rivers of Hope. We waited in the truck while one of the staff came to open the gate. Sitting in the Haitian heat with the windows rolled down, we could hear a distant noise coming from inside the house behind the gate.
Driving up to the house the noise became a low roar. The kids were playing in the front room. Happy chatter and shrieks of laughter echoed from the walls inside. This house was simply ALIVE with JOY! It was the most beautiful sound.
With butterflies in our stomachs, Dodd and I got out of the truck, said a couple words to each other, and walked toward the house. Then all of a sudden. WHOA! There he was holding Rachel's hand and standing in front of us on the front steps! It was him!
The moments that transpired after that are etched in my brain like a few other things in life. Dodd captured our meeting on video from my phone. I am so grateful to have these moments recorded. Dodd kept the video focused on Brother. We often think about what it will be like to meet our kids. We see videos of gotcha days and homecomings, but it's not often we get a glimpse into what's going on in the hearts and minds of our children. The video Dodd took reflects this momentous event from Brother's perspective.
Rachel told us Brother had known for a couple weeks that we were coming. The day of our arrival he asked her about 100 times about when his Mama Blanc and Papa Blanc were coming. A quick aside here. The kids call their adoptive parents Mama Blanc and Papa Blanc and yes, you read that correctly. It means White Mama and White Papa. It's a little funny and a little strange to know your child is calling you White Mama, but after a while, you realize it's just a name based on a factual observation. Anyway, having a family is a great source of pride for the kids at ROH. Today was a big deal.
Brother is just 3-1/2 years old. The waiting must have been excruciating for him. Then we arrived and he finally laid eyes on us and….well, our sweet boy didn't know what to do. He was quite overwhelmed by it all.
Some of his creche brothers and sisters were standing at the door and at the big front window watching this scene go down. One of the kids screeched at Brother which made Brother look back over his shoulder. Then he looked back in our direction. That's when the first smile erupted. It was like he was suppressing it and couldn't hold it in anymore.
And let me tell you about that smile. Good gracious. Slay me now. I am powerless to that smile. It beams from inside him with such warmth that you have no choice but be drawn in. In time we would learn that his smile is his invitation to connect. It was his first smile for us and it was definitely not his last.
Dodd and I could both see how much he wanted to connect but he needed more time to get comfortable. Wanting to relieve him of the intensity of this moment, we asked him to show us his house. So he lead me by the hand to the front door. There he stopped and put his other hand behind his back waiting for Dodd to take it. Then, with one hand in mine and the other in Dodd's he walked us through the door. Then slowly, slowly into his house.
Once inside, another sweet, shy smile spontaneously appeared on his face as he peeked up at his Papa. After a little bit of time inside Brother raised his arms and said to Dodd in a soft voice "pote 'm" which means "carry me" or "pick me up." In our house we say "uppie" which is a remnant of Bear's toddler days. This was the first time we heard the Haitian equivalent of uppie from Brother. This is when Dodd melted. He picked Brother up and felt the weight of his son in his arms for the first time. I witnessed such sweet beautiful moments between Brother and his daddy that day.
Brother again led us, this time to the room where he sleeps. He showed us his bed, the beds of the other boys - his brothers, and the grinning minion on the wall next to his bed. He must look at that minion every night. These were a few precious moments we had as just the three of us.
Soon thereafter, the mobbing began. Rachel originally wanted to bring Brother to the guest house to meet us. But we thought it might be easier on him if we met him at ROH, on his turf, in the place he feels safe. In retrospect, Rachel was right. It soon became difficult to stay intent on Brother as little ones came running to greet the new visitors, inserting themselves into our arms, each looking for a hug or to be held. Each time my attention was diverted to another child, I could feel the fragile connection with Brother ease off a bit.
In an effort to keep him close, Dodd held him in his arms as we walked around the house. I continued to be mobbed by more children. They make a big to do about Mamas at ROH. I tried my hardest not to pick up other children in order to reinforce to them and to Brother that I belonged to him. We toured around the house for the first time, talking with nannies and meeting the kids we have prayed for for the past 2 years. While we walked, Brother still in Dodd's arms, Dodd could feel Brother's embrace become stronger and more relaxed.
After about 45 minutes at the creche, it was the kids' bedtime so the Mama Blancs and Papas Blancs had to leave. All of a sudden, we had to say goodbye. But we had just met! I had to say goodbye words in English. I could only hope he understood the tone of my voice, since he probably didn't understand my words. He was in my arms now and he wasn't letting go. I reluctantly put him down to leave. He looked down at the ground and didn't move. Then his face crumpled as his tears fell to the floor. I felt a small rush of panic as I realized this was the first moment my child needed to be consoled by his new mama and I didn't know the words. He was so sad and I had no way to communicate to him that we would be together again it the morning. It was terrible!
Still crying, he kissed us goodbye as we got in the truck to leave. Those parting moments felt pretty traumatic. Fortunately we had 15 more days together that would help us understand that it wasn't as terrible as it felt at the time. He was alright. Learning each other is a process. Later we would figure out that he was sad because he had been excited to go back to the guest house with us, not because he thought we were leaving him.
When we look back now, that end was just the beginning. Our memories of that day are pretty magical. Those first connections together were powerful and beautiful. The glow of his smile, the tenderness of his touch, the soft voice saying "pote 'm." They were just an introduction to the days ahead and there was so much more to come.
I will give you this, my love. I will love you as sure as He loved me. I will discover what I can discover, and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me.
So beautifully written. I loved reading this so much. Your experience was SO MUCH like ours, except we went straight to ROH from the airport with a driver.
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