On Day 3, the three Mamas left for an impromptu shopping excursion at the Apparent Project and then to the grocery store. While we were gone, the kids spent spent several quality hours together with their Papas. Good bonding happened between Brother and Papa during this time. When the Mamas returned early that evening, there were no obvious signs of anything wrong. Brother, Papa and I finished the day well.
But sometime on Day 4 it started. It was a gradual progression. Brother became even more enamored with Papa, and he began pushing Mama away. I noticed less eye contact at first. Then it was withholding smiles. Then it was not wanting to be held. Then full blown testing behaviors. There was the running past Mama with her arms open wide like she wasn't there. Then it was just plain ignoring. By the end of the day, Brother pretty much wanted nothing to do with Mama.
I became The Rejected Parent.
Dodd and I tried to piece things together to understand what was going on. We also tried not to read too much into it. Adoptive parents know this is one of the hardest things to balance. You try to understand if your child is acting in whatever way because of a deeply rooted loss, or just because they're a kid.
Maybe it was my absence from the day before. Did it trigger a fear of abandonment? Was it because we were starting to bond and he felt scared so he had to test my love? Maybe it had more to do with disrupting his routine, and different parenting styles than what he was used to? Maybe it was a little bit of everything? Maybe it was just ME?
I want to say this now because it's so important. If you find yourself the rejected parent, whatever you do, don't, don't, don't take it personally! It's not you! It happens. Rejecting one parent is somewhat common in adoption, especially in the early stages of the new parent child relationship. Loving and trusting is a risky proposition for little ones who have known so much loss.
By Day 5, Brother was very challenging. When he was with me he was very disobedient and testing. He had a full blown tantrum in the other condo while little J was trying to nap, forcing me to carry him out of the condo while he cried (screamed?) and tried to wriggle out of my arms.
And then he delivered his deathblow. On Day 5 he stopped calling me Mama. Yup, the Mama Blanc who he had waited and waited for, that he was so proud to have, well he was ready to be done with her. He called me Rebecca instead. It was a very nice and friendly Rebecca. He was fine having me around but only as a nice lady who he could keep at arms length. The Mama position was closed.
I thought we would get through it. That it was a temporary reaction to my absence. As soon as we had more time together, another day or two, we could restore what we had built up those first few days. But my boy wouldn't let me in. Not in the way he did initially. I tried all my best stuff. There would be times when I would think we were gaining ground, and then something unexpected would cause another set back. Fortunately, his relationship with his Papa continued to grow each day so we felt good in knowing attachment was at least happening with one parent.
He held out longer than either of us expected. By around Day 10 Dodd and I started to wonder if the rejection might continue through the remainder of the trip. We were concerned about not building enough positive memories between Brother and Mama during our 2 weeks. I needed some help and advice from the pros so I called our caseworker Kate who connected me with a transition counselor at AGCI. They were very well spent international roaming minutes. Kate, the transition counselor, and our traveling friends, gave some good practical advice and were really just supportive and reinforced some of what Dodd and I were thinking.
Mama's absence made him doubt, caused stress.
He may be protecting himself from an off and on relationship.Papa never left and became the one he can rely on.
Reinforce that you love him. Your love is not conditional.
He may think you left because he did something wrong.
Stay near him. Don't retreat.He may think you left because he did something wrong.
Important not to let him come between the two of you.
Make sure he sees Papa being affectionate with Mama. This will model connection for him.
Mama should be the only one to feed him. This forces him to recognize her as caregiver.
Cut his food from yours, then give him food from your plate.
Cut his food from yours, then give him food from your plate.
Things could be completely different next visit.
Focus should be on connection. Don't worry so much about setting behavior precedents.
Any expectations for behavior that you establish on this trip will wear off.
Any expectations for behavior that you establish on this trip will wear off.
Anything you make into a game or make fun will create non threatening bonding.
So we stayed at it and I continued to lean in to him. It wasn't until around Day 12 that he started to come around to Mama again. It was through creative play, consistency, and a little bit more firmness. Something we observed that the coordinator did not mention. Rachel and the nannies at ROH run the house with a very firm and strong parenting style. The kids are used to a firm and forceful "NO" and they have a clear respect for authority. Even tho the coordinator recommended ignoring Brother's challenging behaviors, we suspected that the looser rules he was experiencing with us were causing anxiety for him. He wanted boundaries. So we both got more firm and he responded well.
The turning point came while we were playing. The kids and I played a long game of looking for Lions and Tigers and Bears all over the compound with a flashlight. Exploring and looking for anything with a flashlight, even when the sun was shining, was a thrill. He loved this game. While we were playing, he wanted to be in my arms. In my arms he began to relax. And then, a little bit to my surprise, he was snuggling. Somewhere along the line that day he took me back.
Our last 2 days together, Days 14 and 15, were the richest family days of all. There was a whole lot of laughing and comfort. Affection and understanding. We ended so, so well.
Isn't this is what family is about after all.
A little foam sticker in the shape of a heart had fallen under the coffee table in the main living room, left behind by a teenage missionary. Brother found it and stuck it on his forehead. I didn't pay much attention to it. He stuck a lot of stickers on his forehead those two weeks. Strangely, this particular sticker kept reappearing. Over the course of the two weeks I would find it in his pocket, in the refrigerator, in my camera case, sometimes stuffed in his hand. It kept coming back. Without taking too much notice, I decided to throw it away because it had gotten grimy and lost its stick. As I was about to drop it in the trash can, the only word printed on the sticker jumped out at me.
Trust. Out of all the stickers, all the toys, all the stuff in the house, he found this particular left behind little thing and carried it around for two weeks. I doubt Brother understood what the word meant. How could he know. But this little heart. A secret message from my son. A simple yet profound message from my Father in heaven. I tucked this little symbol inside my journal to bring home.
I learned a lot about my son in those two weeks. His little heart. I will need to tend to it carefully. I will need to guard it and protect it. I have some work ahead to prove to him my love is a never stopping, never changing, never give up kind of love.
My son, I will show you I will not leave you. Ever. I am ready. I am praying now that you will be ready too.
love will grow
do you trust me
little boy?
when your merry eyes
seemed dimmed with dreaming
do you grieve?
in their troubled depths
lie memories of other mothers -
this i know
do you trust me
little boy?
realize that after me
there will be
no other mothers
that for this human measure
of "forever"
I am yours? Trust me first
my darling…
love will grow
Grace Sandness (1983)
A couple articles on being the rejected parent:
https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/adoption-bonding-home/toddler-adoption-rejection-of-one-parent/
https://adoption.com/when-adopted-toddlers-reject-their-parents
Poem taken from the book Toddler Adoption, The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best
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