Socialization Trip: The day we met

What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours? 

-Donald Miller

It was Wednesday July 29, 2015, in Thomassin, Haiti, sometime after 6pm. Here's the story of the day we met.

The day before we left for Haiti, I realized there were a few important questions I had neglected to ask Kate. One big one was when would we meet him? She said she wasn't sure but Rachel would probably take us soon after we arrived. Goodness, that meant tomorrow!

I wrote a bit in the last post about the frenetic pace of the two weeks between Brother's referral and leaving for Haiti to meet him. The whirlwind continued right up until the moment we left. Neither of us slept the night before as we moved through the remaining things on the to do lists.

Grandpa and Bear drove us to the airport at 5am. Saying goodbye to Bear was hard. He was strong for us, but I could see in his eyes what he was feeling. There was comfort in knowing he was in the best of hands while we were gone. Here I need to give a shout out to our incredible family. Dodd's parents, my parents, and my sister and brother in law were on standby for about a year, willing to drop everything to travel 2,000 miles and care for Bear so we could go to Haiti for 2 weeks to meet Brother. Knowing Bear was with the people he loves the most was a blessing.

We flew from Milwaukee to Atlanta to Port Au Prince. We slept most of the first flight. It was the first downtime we had in weeks. Still in a daze in Atlanta, we boarded the flight to Port Au Prince. It wasn't until we were in our seats, seat belts buckled, waiting to take off that reality began to sink in.

Dodd turned to me with big eyes and a smile and asked, "Is this really happening?"

I looked at him, and I wasn't sure. Waiting had become our reality the past 5 years. Waiting has a way of making The Wait more real than The What that are you waiting for. Brother still felt fuzzy, distant, out of reach. It was all pretty surreal.

The flight to Port Au Prince went quickly. We spent most of it reading our Simple Creole for Adoptive Families book, listening to excited missions teams chatter about their trips, and watching the ocean from the sky.

As the plane began its descent into Port Au Prince, I experienced something physical unlike anything I've experienced before when traveling. It was as if some great force had reached into my chest cavity and was pulling me down from the inside out. It wasn't a feeling of falling. This was something pulling me toward itself like a gigantic magnet. As the plane came lower and lower the downward pressure in my chest was almost unbearable. When the plane made contact with the tarmac, my heart exploded.

Put me on hallowed ground.

There was a significant shift in that moment of touch down. A cosmic gear engaged. This was right. The one we've been moving toward brought us to him. There was an overwhelming sense that we were exactly, precisely where we were supposed to be.

We had to wait in line in immigration for over an hour and our Midwest bodies were not yet acclimated to the tropical climate. Haiti was hot! Beads of sweat rolled down our backs as we stood in line waiting for passports to be stamped. My little Midwest cardigan and pants looked out of place in the heat surrounded by sun dresses, shorts and sandals. There was a Haitian band playing great music which kept the crowd happy. A sign in the waiting area got me thinking about this country we were in. "Haiti, Soul of the Caribbean."

We expected to be met at the airport by a driver but to our surprise, Rachel herself came to pick us up. Rachel is the director of Rivers of Hope. She has a larger than life persona when all you know of her comes from the stories of others. However, there at the airport she was just a lady waiting for some travelers and she was anxious to get going back home. I wanted to proclaim my admiration for her right there when we met, but she seemed humbly unaware of her rock star status. Little did I know that the admiration I felt at that moment was a fraction of what I would feel in another 2 weeks.

The 1 hour drive out of the city and up the mountain with Rachel was an adventure. After Addis Ababa, driving in Port Au Prince did not shock us, but it is dusty and chaotic. There are no words to describe the roads and traffic. As we drove further up the mountain, the road got windy and steep. Rachel drives the congested, bumpy roads like a charging warrior. She kept asking Dodd if he was ok with her driving and he said YES! He loved it! Actually, we were both quite comfortable with her at the wheel.

She took us to the guest house and introduced us to Willem. He showed us to the condo where we would stay for the next 15 days. It was beautiful. We did not expect such spacious and lovely accommodations. We met the two other families who arrived earlier from Canada. They were with their beautiful children who they had met earlier that day. We had dinner together. The meal prepared for us was sooo good. More on Haitian food to come.

As we were just finishing dinner, Rachel announced she was taking all of us to Rivers of Hope.

There was no time rest or change. This was it.

It was time to meet our son!

My hands began trembling during the very short drive from the guest house to Rivers of Hope. We waited in the truck while one of the staff came to open the gate. Sitting in the Haitian heat with the windows rolled down, we could hear a distant noise coming from inside the house behind the gate.

Driving up to the house the noise became a low roar. The kids were playing in the front room. Happy chatter and shrieks of laughter echoed from the walls inside. This house was simply ALIVE with JOY! It was the most beautiful sound.

With butterflies in our stomachs, Dodd and I got out of the truck, said a couple words to each other, and walked toward the house.  Then all of a sudden. WHOA! There he was holding Rachel's hand and standing in front of us on the front steps! It was him!

The moments that transpired after that are etched in my brain like a few other things in life. Dodd captured our meeting on video from my phone. I am so grateful to have these moments recorded. Dodd kept the video focused on Brother. We often think about what it will be like to meet our kids. We see videos of gotcha days and homecomings, but it's not often we get a glimpse into what's going on in the hearts and minds of our children. The video Dodd took reflects this momentous event from Brother's perspective.

Rachel told us Brother had known for a couple weeks that we were coming. The day of our arrival he asked her about 100 times about when his Mama Blanc and Papa Blanc were coming. A quick aside here. The kids call their adoptive parents Mama Blanc and Papa Blanc and yes, you read that correctly. It means White Mama and White Papa. It's a little funny and a little strange to know your child is calling you White Mama, but after a while, you realize it's just a name based on a factual observation. Anyway, having a family is a great source of pride for the kids at ROH. Today was a big deal.

Brother is just 3-1/2 years old. The waiting must have been excruciating for him. Then we arrived and he finally laid eyes on us and….well, our sweet boy didn't know what to do. He was quite overwhelmed by it all.

He stood a couple steps above me, reserved, almost emotionless, and looked off in the distance rather than looking at us. He just couldn't bring himself to look. This might have been intimidating to us, except for one thing.  He let me take his hands in mine and he oh so tenderly, oh so gently held on. He didn't let go. And that's how it went. We stood there on the steps like that for several minutes. Him looking away, me talking to him in words he couldn't understand, while our hands and our fingers communicated for us. He was taking it all in.

Some of his creche brothers and sisters were standing at the door and at the big front window watching this scene go down. One of the kids screeched at Brother which made Brother look back over his shoulder. Then he looked back in our direction. That's when the first smile erupted. It was like he was suppressing it and couldn't hold it in anymore.

And let me tell you about that smile. Good gracious. Slay me now. I am powerless to that smile. It beams from inside him with such warmth that you have no choice but be drawn in. In time we would learn that his smile is his invitation to connect. It was his first smile for us and it was definitely not his last.

Dodd and I could both see how much he wanted to connect but he needed more time to get comfortable. Wanting to relieve him of the intensity of this moment, we asked him to show us his house. So he lead me by the hand to the front door. There he stopped and put his other hand behind his back waiting for Dodd to take it. Then, with one hand in mine and the other in Dodd's he walked us through the door. Then slowly, slowly into his house.

Once inside, another sweet, shy smile spontaneously appeared on his face as he peeked up at his Papa. After a little bit of time inside Brother raised his arms and said to Dodd in a soft voice "pote 'm" which means "carry me" or "pick me up." In our house we say "uppie" which is a remnant of Bear's toddler days. This was the first time we heard the Haitian equivalent of uppie from Brother. This is when Dodd melted. He picked Brother up and felt the weight of his son in his arms for the first time. I witnessed such sweet beautiful moments between Brother and his daddy that day.

Brother again led us, this time to the room where he sleeps. He showed us his bed, the beds of the other boys - his brothers, and the grinning minion on the wall next to his bed.  He must look at that minion every night. These were a few precious moments we had as just the three of us.

Soon thereafter, the mobbing began. Rachel originally wanted to bring Brother to the guest house to meet us. But we thought it might be easier on him if we met him at ROH, on his turf, in the place he feels safe. In retrospect, Rachel was right. It soon became difficult to stay intent on Brother as little ones came running to greet the new visitors, inserting themselves into our arms, each looking for a hug or to be held. Each time my attention was diverted to another child, I could feel the fragile connection with Brother ease off a bit.

In an effort to keep him close, Dodd held him in his arms as we walked around the house. I continued to be mobbed by more children. They make a big to do about Mamas at ROH. I tried my hardest not to pick up other children in order to reinforce to them and to Brother that I belonged to him. We toured around the house for the first time, talking with nannies and meeting the kids we have prayed for for the past 2 years. While we walked, Brother still in Dodd's arms, Dodd could feel Brother's embrace become stronger and more relaxed.

After about 45 minutes at the creche, it was the kids' bedtime so the Mama Blancs and Papas Blancs had to leave. All of a sudden, we had to say goodbye. But we had just met! I had to say goodbye words in English. I could only hope he understood the tone of my voice, since he probably didn't understand my words. He was in my arms now and he wasn't letting go. I reluctantly put him down to leave. He looked down at the ground and didn't move. Then his face crumpled as his tears fell to the floor. I felt a small rush of panic as I realized this was the first moment my child needed to be consoled by his new mama and I didn't know the words. He was so sad and I had no way to communicate to him that we would be together again it the morning. It was terrible!

Still crying, he kissed us goodbye as we got in the truck to leave. Those parting moments felt pretty traumatic. Fortunately we had 15 more days together that would help us understand that it wasn't as terrible as it felt at the time. He was alright. Learning each other is a process. Later we would figure out that he was sad because he had been excited to go back to the guest house with us, not because he thought we were leaving him.

When we look back now, that end was just the beginning. Our memories of that day are pretty magical. Those first connections together were powerful and beautiful. The glow of his smile, the tenderness of his touch, the soft voice saying "pote 'm." They were just an introduction to the days ahead and there was so much more to come.

I will give you this, my love. I will love you as sure as He loved me. I will discover what I can discover, and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me.

Ready or not! The time between referral and socialization trip

You've been waiting years for your bus to come. The bus stop is looking kind of run down, grass is growing in the cracks in the road because there hasn't been a vehicle down that road in a long time. Then, one dusty day that feels just like the others before it, you look up and see that the yellow school bus you've been waiting for is really a bullet train and it's SCREAMING toward you. Grab your bags and hold on, it's coming and you will be swept up whether you're ready or not!


The time between Brother's referral and leaving for Haiti was crazy. There was about a day and a half of basking in the joy of our new boy. We received dozens of photos, and dozens of documents, all as attachments to dozens of emails. We went through them all, just taking him in. 

But there was no time to linger as much as we wanted to. Kate had to break us out of our spell and crack the whip on us! There really is a lot to do after referral and we had to shift quickly into task mode. With Bear's adoption, we had 3 months between referral and travel to prepare. With Brother's adoption we had 2 weeks. Besides the adoption and travel related things to do, we also had to prepare to be gone at work for 3 weeks, prepare for Bear's care, and duly celebrate his 6th birthday. 

There is another thing that happens after referral that I hadn't realized would also compete for time. Talking with friends and family. We couldn't wait to announce Brother to the world, but I realized there was not enough time to send and receive all the calls and emails we wanted to. So many in our lives have been waiting alongside us, encouraging us along the way, and it was so hard to not be able to call each person to share our joy in the moment. We talked with our families, I dashed off some emails and posted the news on Facebook. It was rushed. We were flying by the seat of our pants!

If you are waiting for a referral from Haiti and you think it could come in the next 1-3 months, I recommend doing what you can to prepare now. Don't feel like you are jumping ahead or jinxing yourself! Getting your head around the details now and having your checklists ready will help guide you and preserve your sanity when that momentous time finally comes.

Here are some things you can get a head start on:

• Referral Paperwork: Review referral paperwork now. Referral paperwork is intense! You have 1 week to return all documents, and there are some dependencies. Reviewing the documents now will help you know what information needs to be gathered. AGCI families, start discussing the Transition Plan with your spouse. Do some intentional research on bonding and attachment now. The Transition Plan takes time and deserves some thought.

• Notary: Referral paperwork feels like a mini dossier, and all documents must be notarized. Have a notary in mind. I work with a lovely woman who is also an adoptive grandma who loves to notarize for us. I put her on standby a couple months ago. She was ready when we needed her and even offered to come over to the house on the weekend if necessary.

• International Pediatrician: Contact the International Pediatrician now. Talk to them so you know what they will need from you and know their number. You will have 24-48 hours to get their assessment of your child's medical information. If you are an AGCI family, this is a requirement to accept your referral.

• Travel Documents: Review the travel documents now. Figure out where you will stay and what you will need. Ask your caseworker for a travel call now. Kate and I did a travel call about a month before we received Brother's referral. I am so glad I asked for a call even though we had no referral. I had a much better picture of what our 2 weeks would involve, and was mentally preparing both of us for the cultural differences, bucket showers, dress for church, etc.

• Travel Meds: Consult with your doctor or a local clinic about what vaccinations and meds are suggested for travel to Haiti. 

• Watch Airfares: Pretend like you are traveling in 2 weeks and look for tickets accordingly. Figure out the airports, layovers, and itineraries that get you the best price and times. In the 24 hours that passed while I was focused on completing paperwork, our plane tickets went from $900 each to $1,500 each and the only itineraries left required overnight layovers which meant more cost for hotels. After adjusting our return date (we stayed 2 more days in Haiti than fist planned) we were able to get good flight times on Delta for $900 again, but it took a lot of time to figure all of that out.

• Child Care: If you are leaving children at home in someone elses care, prepare your instructions for their care now. Make copies of your insurance information, write a letter that gives the care giver the ability to have your child treated by a doctor or at a hospital, make your master list of contact names and numbers, including the names and numbers of where you will be in Haiti that you will find on the travel documents. Our amazing families came to take care of Bear, which they have done before, so they mostly knew his routine. But there were still special instructions for feeding the cats, caring for the vegetable garden, etc. to prepare.

• For Your Child(ren) at Home: I wrote little love letters and had little presents for Bear to open each day that we were gone. I wrote those letters at 3am the night before we left! I ran out of time to wrap the presents so my mother in law did that for me after we left. In retrospect, I could have taken care of that months in advance. :) 

• Packing List: After your travel call, start a packing list or ask for one from someone who has already been on their socialization trip. The packing list should include not only the usual things you need for yourself when you travel, but also the toys and activities you will need for your child over the 2 weeks, and food you may want to bring from home for you and your child. The toys are harder to prepare in advance of knowing your child, since you might not know their age or their interests. On food…after hearing about a family who had trouble finding food in Haiti, I freaked out a little at the last minute, and decided to bring one entire bin filled with food. It was too much. The breakfasts and dinners we were served at the guest house were plentiful. There were plenty of opportunities to get food for snacking and lunch time at the market once we were in Haiti. ROH families, you will shop at the Caribbean Market and there isn't much you might want from home that you can't find in that store. Including organic, whole foods, vegan, gluten free, etc. It's expensive, but it's easier to buy exactly what you need once you're there.

• Phone/Data Plan: Call your cellular provider now and find out what kind of plans they do or do not have for international travel. Decide if you will use your provider or go with a local option once in Haiti. Find out if you will have WI-FI where you are staying.

• Learn Some Creole: I thought it would be more important to learn Creole when Brother comes home than for the socialization trip. I thought as long as I packed my Simple Creole for Adoptive Families book and CD, we would be fine for the two weeks. Then we were there, Brother was in the kitchen turning on the stove, and I was at a loss about how to communicate. I wish I had practiced a little bit in the months before. Just tuning my ears to how words are pronounced and having a repertoire of 10-15 basic words would have been helpful. Like "Pa touché!" (Don't touch!)  Luckily the 2 other families we traveled with were more prepared and helped us with some of the basics.

Signing referral paperwork while Eileen notarizes

May this post help someone out there get a head start. I hope you will have more time for savoring the first moments of knowing your child and have more time to emotionally prepare to meet him. They are beautiful and dare I say magical moments that deserve to be enjoyed!

Along the road

The evening of Brother's referral, after gazing so long on the many photos of him we received, this song from my college days snuck back into my head and played itself many times. Feeling a sense of retrospect along this road and sharing with those who are walking it with me.


Joy at the start
Fear in the journey
Joy in the coming home
A part of the heart gets lost in the learning
Somewhere along the road.

Along the road your path may wander
A pilgrim's faith may fail
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Darkness obscures the trail. 

Cursing the quest
Courting disaster
Measureless nights forbode
Moments of rest
Glimpses of laughter
Are treasured along the road.

Along the road your steps may stumble
Your thoughts may start to stray
But through it all a heart held humble
Levels and lights the way.

Joy at the start
Fear in the journey
Joy in the coming home
A part of the heart gets lost in the learning
Somewhere along the road.

-Dan Fogelberg

It's a boy!

We are overjoyed to share some news.

In May, our caseworker Kate asked if we would be open to expanding our age parameters. When we submitted our dossier in 2013, we were approved to adopt a child, or siblings, aged 0-2 years. That was 2 years ago. Our Bear is now 2 years older, and the children at Rivers of Hope waiting for families are now 2 years older too.

After a lot of discussion, we did a home study addendum and immigration update to change parameters to 0-5 years. We felt much peace in the change. Then, apparently behind the scenes in Haiti, our file and the file of a sweet little person were being discussed and moving across desks at IBESR.

On Monday, Kate emailed us a copy of a letter she received from the Haitian government. The letter was in French so they only words I could read were names. Our names and that of a 3-1/2 little boy in Haiti. The names told us all we needed to know. We have been matched!

We have a son!

We've been told this little man has a gentle, sweet spirit, and a deep, big infectious laugh that makes his head fall back and his eyes squeeze tight. We have lots of photos and let me say, his quiet confident smile, his gentle kind eyes….he is breath taking. Each new detail we learn affirms that he is the one we have been waiting for. Even his name feels right. A classic Old Testament name that goes so well with Bear's. Each time we say it and think of him we can't help but smile. 

Bear is so happy to be a big brother. We can't wait to watch these boys grow together. We think they are going to be good for one another. This is one of my favorite parts of the story being written. If I had any fear in the waiting, it was usually around the widening age gap between Bear and baby brother/baby sister. The Lord inclined and heard my cry. He has given us boys who are just 2-1/2 years apart. 

Yesterday this quote showed up in my inbox at work. Sometimes God doesn’t tell us His plan because we wouldn’t believe it anyway. --Carlton Pearson

I had to laugh. Dodd and I could not have imagined what it would take to become a family. If we had been told 20 years ago how far, how long, how it would change us. We couldn't have conceived of it all. And here we are, looking at this most precious gift. One we know we don't deserve. This is better than anything we could have written on our own.

Now, I have to stay focused on all that needs to happen between today and the end of the month for us to leave the country to meet him for the first time. There is so little time! Which is so ironic after waiting for so long. 

We can't share his name or any photos of him on public forums so I am thinking of taking the blog private. I want so much to post a photo here so you can see the beautiful little man we are ready to meet.

There is still more waiting ahead as it will be another 6-12 months before he comes home. But for now, just knowing him is enough.

A little news

People often ask if we've heard anything about the adoption and I usually have to say no. However, there was a little news that I thought I would share. When we were in Haiti we sat at this table in the garage at Rivers of Hope with Jonathan. We were interviewed by 2 social workers from Haitian social services. With the help of a translator, we answered questions for over an hour about our motivation for adopting from Haiti and for adopting Jonathan. I didn't expect to be nervous but I was. Fortunately Dodd stepped in and handled the interview well. A couple weeks ago we learned the social workers finished their report approving us to adopt Jonathan. This is really a little step in the process. The big steps are yet to come. But it's something. We are glad to have one little step behind us which means one little step closer to our boy. 

Signs of life in Haiti

The snow is all but melted, the days are getting longer, and there is good news coming from Haiti.

3 AGCI families exited IBESR.

2 more Rivers of Hope families (not with AGCI) exited IBESR.

And a referral for an AGCI family that has known their kids for 3 years. They have waited a crazy long time. Finally, they are in Haiti now for two weeks loving all 3 kiddos! https://themcandrewsclan.wordpress.com

Keep the good news coming! Jeez, we have to be getting close, right? We know there is a family on "the list" ahead of us but don't know if this has any bearing on when referrals will be made or in what order. So we're just hanging on and cheering on these families!

Advice on waiting from a five year old

In the past couple weeks there have been some signs that I might be falling apart a little bit.

Pulled over for expired plates.
Discovered my driver's license also expired.
I had no proof of insurance for the officer. (Lucky I wasn't arrested.)
Bounced 2 checks last month. 
Bear's report card came home. He is doing great in school except….he was tardy 23 times the past term. Bad mom. 
To add insult to injury, a letter showed up at home a few days later telling me the importance of promptness. 
I was reprimanded and fined for being late to day care. 
The refrigerator isn't working. It's been that way for a month. So our food is in the garagerator. 
I am on a grocery shopping strike. Why grocery shop without a refrigerator?
Dinner has come from Taco Bell at least 2 nights a week. Bean burritos.

Thank goodness I have my son to keep me together.

While putting bean burritos on the dinner table I said to Bear, "I'm feeling tired of waiting for baby brother/baby sister to come."

Bear looked at me and said sternly, "Mom, never give up your dream. Baby brother/baby sister has to come. They are coming, I know it."

I told him that I know they are coming too, maybe it's just that I don't want to wait. 

And then the most profound words came from my son, "But Mom, life's not that way." 

ME: "Really. Can you tell me what is life like then Bear?"

"Mom, life's like tooths. You can't lose them all right away. You have to wait. Sometimes they take years, like 6 or 7 or 39 years. You can't one day lose a tooth, next day lose a tooth, next day lose another. You have to wait in between."

 And he kept going….

"Or like school. You want to "gradulate" highschool right away. But you can't be in kindergarten and then done."

Wow was I humbled.

A couple nights later, after an intensely frustrating day at work, I blew up at Bear after he spilled his milk at the dinner table. I felt bad for blowing up and apologized to him, as we both cleaned up. Then, I discovered something Dodd did the day before that I let upset me and I made a harsh comment, even though Dodd wasn't home. 

BEAR: "Mom, that's not appropriate. That's not something you should say to your father."

ME: "You're right Bub, but he's not my father."

BEAR: "Well, it's not something you should say to MY father."

ME: "You're right, you're right. I'm really frustrated and I'm taking it out on you guys. I'm sorry Bub."

BEAR: "Mom, you have to let it out."

I looked at him incredulously. My 5 year old was giving me advice I really needed. In that moment I felt like I could ask him anything and he would understand and guide me.

ME: "How do I do that Bub? How do I let it out?"

BEAR: "Simple. With love." 

And with that, he climbed out of his seat, came over and wrapped his warm little arms around me and gave me a kiss. 

BEAR: "Are you better mama? Is it out?"

I was sobbing now, holding my son for dear life. "Yes Bub, it's coming out in buckets."

BEAR: "Ok, that's good. Don't cry now. I don't like it when you cry."

ME: "Ok, thank you Bubba Joe."

Thank God for my Bear. What ever would I do without him.