10 Months on Earth

Bear turns 10 months this week. I remember a James Dobson comment from many years ago when he observed how it takes a baby just 10 months to go from complete dependence and innocence to a willful little person who doesn't need your help. At least in the baby's mind.
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We are seeing Mr. Bear's will emerge. Little seeds of mischief are starting to sprout. I suppose this is a sign he is a normal child. Until this point, we've enjoyed the luxury of parenting a baby. There is no need for discipline with little ones. Now for the first time we are having to correct behavior. He is biting, mostly me. It started out innocently, just an interesting sensation for him with new teeth. But now it really hurts when he bites and he finds our reactions hilarious. Instead of simply distracting him like we've done with other behaviors in the past, we have to address the issue. We tap his mouth and firmly say 'no bite.' Then we disengage from him for about 60 seconds to create a consequence for the biting. So far all it seems to have done is encourage him to bite more. And laugh more. Naughty! I guess we are going to have work on our disciplining techniques.
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Oh, the joy of being a boy. He learns about his world by pounding on it, pushing it, or putting it in his mouth. If something is in his way, for instance the Pack n Play, little superman moves it. There have been times I thought he was chewing gum, and fished strange objects out of his mouth. Bark, broken plastic, cat claws, whatever he encounters along his happy little path. He also has a thing for paper products. If it's paper, it goes in his mouth super fast. Napkins, menus, toilet paper, mail, emergency contact cards, receipts, checks, the paper liner on the exam table at the doctors office. Dodd laughs and says Bear's facination with paper is yet another sign that he is the child of our hearts because I work with paper for a living.
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He just woke up from his nap and is telling me I need to play with him rather than blog. I guess it's time to close. I traveled to the East Coast on 2 separate trips in 2 weeks this month. Once for work, and once for a dear friend's wedding. Leaving him for several days was a heartache. Oh how I missed him. Bear and Dodd had a great time while I was gone though. Spending time with my boys was that much sweeter after being away from them. Here is a little video of how we spent our time when I came back last weekend. Watch him check in with Dad toward the end.

A little update

Four weeks ago....

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Bear had to start sleeping through the night in the crib without mom.

And he started daycare.

And he started wearing real clothes (shirt, pants, socks and even shoes) instead of jammies all day.

And 4 teeth stormed into his mouth all at once.

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And still he smiles.

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There have been lots of tears shed at daycare, and they haven't been all Bear's. That first day back to work I wasn't sure if I could leave him. But the teachers were fantastic and reminded me how close he is and told me to call 30 times a day if I need to.

The tears shed by Bear create a conflict of emotions. Though they shatter my heart when they come, they are evidence that he's attached to me, and that has been reassuring. I feel more confident in the strength of our little family unit now than I did 4 weeks ago. Of course there are moments of doubt too. They usually come when he doesn't cry as I leave. Which happens now about 50% of the time. Or when he feels distant. Thankfully, a good night's sleep usually bring us back to normal and I realize moods would happen with or without daycare.

All in all I would say the adjustment is going well. This doesn't mean it's all happy, but there seems to be a net positive effect for each member of our family. Being back at work, I feel more like myself which makes me a better mother and wife. Both of my boys benefit. Having less time together during the week forces me to be disciplined with our schedule, and more intentional when I am with Bear. He tells me when I am not fully present with him by being irritable and demanding. He rewards my attention with lots of big smiles, claps, and silly boy behavior.

There are little moments at work that remind me my life has changed. Walking into the bathroom and seeing milk stains on my shirt or snot on my slacks. Having a meeting and catching whiffs of sour baby on my sweater. Ah, makes me miss him. When I visit him during the day, he stops whatever he's doing, crawls over, waves his arms in the air and waits patiently to be picked up. Sure puts the trials of the workday into quick perspective.

I am learning that life is a continuous state of adjustment with a little one around. There is no end. Just as one thing stabilizes, something new comes along and everyone must adjust all over again. I'm sure we have many many cycles to go through. So far we are doing fine though.

We Are The Truth

To quote Julie, a gifted blogger, some international adoptions work out just fine.

Here's a picture of our son moving in for Bear Kisses. When overwhelmed with love for one of us, he stares into our eyes, smiles, opens his mouth, and sucks our nose, cheek, eye, or chin. This expression of love can last up to 3 or 4 minutes. If we are lucky, he leaves slobber and snot behind. I can't think of many things we look forward to more than Bear Kisses.
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Our family loves international adoption.

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A Message from the Joint Council on International Children's Services

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The tragedy surrounding Artyem Saviliev, the boy sent back to Russia on a plane by his adoptive family has cast a light on intercountry adoption that says it is not safe, the system failed and adopted children cause insurmountable problems. The heartbreak of Artyem’s abandonment has once again elevated a singular incident to a level which may result in the suspension of intercountry adoption. Suspending adoption, even temporarily, will only cause thousands of children to suffer the debilitating effects of life in an orphanage.
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As an adoptive family, we know that the outrageous and indefensible actions of one parent are not indicative of how children are treated by adoptive families. We know that families who encounter difficulties do not simply abandon their child. We know that help is available, that solutions are found and that families can thrive. And we know that suspending adoption does not protect children but only subjects them to the depravity of an institution…and an entire life without a family.

You can click here if you would like to learn more about how to help.

Happy Easter!

He is Risen! Joyful day!

Preparing for the next big transition

It's strange that we've been home long enough that it's time for me to go back to work. But we have, and back to work I must go. Our little MilFam is really good right now. It feels like we've always been a family. The last thing Dodd and I want to do is risk losing what we hold so dearly in our hands at the moment, Bear's trust.

As significant as the past 3 months have been to all 3 of us, and as secure as Bear seems to feel with us, 3 months is still less time than Bear spent at Hannah's Hope. I know he felt safe there and never dreamed his home, his routine, his friends, and his special mothers who loved him would all go away. We are doing some things to prepare him for daycare, so that he can ease into the change and not feel his world has been turned upside down again.

Sleep

Sleep became difficult the past month. Until last week, he and I were still sleeping together in the recliner in his room. When we first came home this was the best way for all of us to get good sleep and I am so glad it worked out this way. It did what we hoped it would for attachment. He and I get eachother. We came to know one another's sounds, bodies, and movements so well, we could anticipate and adjust to one another subconsciously in our sleep. And this crossed over to the daytime. I would not trade the past 3 months with my son in my arms for anything, even sleep! And I LOVE sleep.

But Bear's once a night feeding at 2am turned into waking up every 1.5 to 2 hours for a bottle and snuggling with mom. And with that little body growing so rapidly, tossing and turning in her arms to get comfortable in between wake up times. It was not good sleep for either of us. He was increasingly dependent on me to fall asleep, and less able to sleep on his own, even during the day. Sleep deprivation was bringing out the ugly in both of us, especially me.

So last week we started the Sleep Sense program. Monday was the first night he did not sleep in my arms in almost 3 months. My arms felt empty. Wow, I missed him. There was quite a bit of protest from Bear. A good hour and half when he first went to sleep. And another hour an a half when he woke up in the middle of the night. But Dodd and I took turns staying with him, consoling him, and attempting to teach him ways to soothe himself to sleep. Eventually he did fall asleep and slept well.

The next night, much to our surprise, he slept the whole night in the crib. A full 12 hours! He woke up a few times, checked to make sure I was there and everything was ok, then fell back asleep. No crying, no protest. And he's been sleeping like a champ since. I am surprised how well a few little techniques worked. I feel better about Bear's ability to cope with the big changes ahead knowing we are all rested.

One note about sleeping. We decided to try this because it seems like he is attaching and adapting well. We haven't seen indications of grief at night. We might not feel as good about doing this if either of these weren't the case. We are still being careful that he knows we are not abandoning him at night. Other than being a little groggy after the first night, we haven't noticed any real changes in his behavior during the day and no signs of withdrawing.

Daycare

I work for a company that provides good on site daycare. This gives us some peace about the care Bear will receive during the day. Whenever necessary, I can be with him in 2 minutes. With the proximity, I will continue to bottle feed him twice a day.

To prepare him for what's ahead, we went to daycare together for a few days last week. We spent almost 2 hours each time in the Walrus room, playing together while talking with his teachers and playing with the other babies in the room. The next step is to let him be there without me for increasing intervals of time. This week, I will drop him off for 1 hour on Monday, 2 hours on Wednesday, and 3 hours on Friday.

Like I've mentioned before, Bear is a social kid. (Lucky him, he got two introverts for parents.) He's so smart and active, he's going to thrive in daycare. It will be like what he was used to at HH. If anything, we need to watch that he doesn't like daycare TOO much. The AGCI family education coordinator said it's a good sign if he is upset when I leave, and he's happy to see me at the end of the day. Not horrible, inconsolable upset, but there should be some indication that he misses me and his home. She said if these things aren't happening it may be an indication he isn't ready for the change. We will watch for indiscriminate attachment. Bear attaching easily with whomever he comes into contact with.

Holding

We are adding at least two new caregivers to his world, his teachers. They will be the first people to hold, feed, and change him since he's been home. So we will continue to limit the number of other people who hold him, especially during this transition time. For our friends who want to squeeze this adorable kid so much, I know this is hard to understand. Please hang with a little while longer! He is resilient and he's probably going to be just fine, but we would rather play this one safe.

I'm looking forward to this change. It will be good for Bear to go through it and see that Dodd and I don't go away. It will be so nice when we're at a point when there's been more stability in his life than change. When he's been with us longer than he was at an orphanage. And when his brain is hopefully no longer wired for loss. Then he's going to realize he's stuck with us and we will have new issues to deal with. :)

Crack Up

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And he didn't even have Irish beer.

Happy St. Pat's!

Happy Birthday and Baptism Silas!

Dodd, Bear, and I loaded up the car on Sunday for our longest ride since Bear's been home. We headed south to celebrate a special little guy. Silas H. was baptised on Sunday AND celebrated his first birthday. Silas and Bear were roommates at Hannah's Hope. We just figured out they likely slept in cribs next to each other in the dining room. (They do utilize every bit of space at that place.)

We had the privilege of waiting at the airport with Silas's momma Audrey in November, just before his daddy brought him home from Ethiopia and placed him in her arms for the first time. And then we met Silas in person and got to behold a mother, father, and son together for the first time. This meant a lot to us, especially because we had just experienced court delays and knew it would be another month before we would finally meet our little guy.

Allow me to extol the virtues of The Blog for a moment. I must thank Blog Land for introducing us to A&B and making it possible for us to encourage eachother through the crazy journey of the past year. I think most adoptive parents grieve for the times of their child's life that are "lost." The times before we knew them for which there is no record. Though they may never remember it, these boys shared part of life that is lost to us as parents. This feels important. Since The Blog helped us parents get to know eachother, our boys will continue to know eachother.

Bear reached instinctively for Silas's shoulder for reassurance as all sorts of people took pictures. At least that's how I interpreted it. :)

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Silas decided the paparozzi wasn't for him and it was time to leave. Aren't they handsome fellas?

Thanks A&B for allowing us to be part of this. We love your little man. :)