A few observations on bonding and cocooning

We are cocooning. A term AGCI uses for the period of transition when a family focuses intensely inward, limiting the number of faces and experiences a newly adopted child has outside of the home and his nuclear family. The purpose of cocooning is to ease the child's transition anxiety and make up for lost bonding and attachment time, reinforcing one primary theme; Bear can trust us to meet his needs. Dodd and I are not going anywhere.

A couple interesting notes based on our experiences the past few weeks.

1. They were right about limiting trips out.

In one of our transition calls, the education coordinator said to think of Bear's world at Hannah's Hope as black and white. And then think of the world he is experiencing here with us now as technicolor. That is the level of additional information he is taking in every day. If it comes all at once it can be overwhelming.

I saw this play out when I took Bear to Babies R Us. It was our first trip out to a store. Technically, AGCI would advise against this. They recommend all shopping be done by a parent without the child. But it was going to be a quick trip and I thought it might be good for him to get out. He did enjoy it. I carried him in the Ergo and he did not make a peep, just looked all around, dazzled by the colors, lights and people.

About 15 minutes into the excursion, he leaned his head back in the Ergo and stared up at me with a mildly puzzled expression. The look he gave me said, "Lady, who are you again?" He was trying to figure out how to fit me into all the information he was taking in at that moment.

It made me realize how delicate the attachment process is. When we returned home that day, he was totally overstimulated. He was over the top active and needed non stop action and entertainment. It took two quiet days at home to get back to something like normal.

2. Attachment takes time and can be reversed quickly.

Bear was bonding well with both of us. Then Dodd went back to work last Monday. It was interesting that by Wednesday, Bear had very little interest in Dodd when he came home from work. It was all about Mom. It took just 2 days for that attachment to wane. Made us realize the importance of Daddy time. Dodd will need to be deliberate about feeding, changing diapers, and playing in the evenings and on the weekends to keep fostering the attachment with his son.

3. Strict cocooning may not work for your child.

While we are practicing cocooning, we are modifying it slightly for our particular child. Bear saw two different pediatricians in two days who both commented independently about how social he is. He loves to listen to conversations on the phone or just between people. He watches people intently and lights up when others are around. So the flip side of cocooning is that he gets bored with just me. I cannot provide the amount of stimulation he needs. So we did a playdate last Friday. He seemed to really enjoy himself and so did I. Having the company of other Ethiopian moms (thanks Traci and Jamie!) was refreshing. When we returned home, he was not amped up in the way he was after the baby store. He was happy and content. We had great play time together that afternoon and he slept well.

I cleared the playdate with Mindy at AGCI. She said as long as I was still the only one to hold Bear and I was still interacting with him during the playdate, it should be fine. She acknowledged that given his personality this might be a level of interaction he needs.

4. They were right again. There is nothing like sleeping together for bonding.

We were working hard to get Bear to sleep in his crib at least half the night every night. Then I asked myself, why? His favorite place to sleep is in my arms in the recliner in his room. As it turns out, I sleep pretty well with him in the recliner. So we are going with it for now. The time together is sweet and invaluable. He knows exactly how to snuggle now for both of us to be comfortable and he sleeps almost the whole night through. He is not going to want to do this forever. We'll keep doing it until it no longer makes sense or creates an issue with his sleep or mine. We'll keep mixing it up between the crib and the recliner, but I am not going to stress out during the times he prefers the recliner (yet!)

Bear's Auntie MB sent him the cutest little fuzzy bear outfit that he felt pretty handsome in. Here are some photos. Here's to bonding!